How do I calm down in an argument?
September 19, 2023
| Do you find it hard to calm down in an argument? Do you ever regret what you say or do in the heat of the moment? Getting angry and having disagreements with our partners are normal and natural parts of intimacy. Problems arise however, when we say rash things, stir things up and do damage in the heat of the moment, which we then later regret. When we are feeling triggered, flushed with emotion, afraid, angry, resentful or unsupported… we do not tend to make the best choices for our relationships. While your feelings may be valid and your points hold some truth, the best thing to do when your emotions are on high is take a step back, breathe and calm yourself down. Use this self-soothing meditation to do this. The talking, reasoning and reassessing can come later. Moments of heightened emotions are not the time to: Try to figure anything out Make decisions Come to any conclusions Or even try to communicate – just don’t! Put simply, your upset part has switched your brain into fight or flight mode and you no longer have the cortical capacity to be intelligent and reasonable. Generally speaking, you need 20-40 minutes to go from “fight or flight mode” to calm and functioning which is the brain state where you remember that you care about this person. I go into the art of respectful communication in more detail in my online course for couples to do together “Safe and Connected Communication”. “So how do I calm down?” I hear you ask. Try these 3 steps: Step one: Pause and take yourself away from the discussion Tell your partner you need a time out and you would like to come back to this discussion later. Step two: Find your own space and shift focus onto calming yourself down Go to another room, go for a walk or take yourself somewhere peaceful. Focus your energies on breathing and noticing your sensations, not your thoughts. Step three: Soothe yourself Be calming and nurturing to yourself. Follow the guidance in the meditation below. Self-soothe after rupture Right click on the link above to download You might also want to check out my collection of free meditations to help you navigate your emotions with more ease. Find them here. |
Hi, I'm Nicole Mathieson, a relationship and body image coach, couple therapist and author.
My relationships blog helps couples learn practical ways to cultivate a deeper understanding of one another, find safety and connection in relationships, navigate difficult conversations and repair after conflict.
