True self-nurture and how we get it wrong

Nicole Mathieson, relationship coach

What is the secret to true self-nurture?

Recently I noticed myself feeling anxious. Anxiety for me is a wake-up call. It says to me that I am not connected to or standing in solidarity with my spirit.

But why? I found myself asking. I show up every day, I put my hands on my heart, I tune in, I write in my journal……in short, I do all the right things.

But inside I knew.

I have been showing up in action only. I have been going through the motions, but actually, I had not been truly, deeply present with myself.

Truly nurturing ourselves is something that a lot of us are trying to do. When we do get it right we are connected with the limitless flow of light and love that is within us all. We become unbreakable, unflappable and unhurtable.

I believe that connecting to this love is the biggest and most important foundation stone of thriving relationships. Without this inner connection, we get lost and dishevelled We start seeking love and try to hold on to it outside of ourselves. which is where most of our troubles arise.

When we are stable and centred within, all our relationships start to improve and flow with ease.

The key to getting centred in this love is truly nurturing ourselves.

Getting this right and making it part of your life, will change you and your relationships from the inside out. It will help you
– feel more confident
-get clear on who you are, your own value and how to look after yourself
-energise your inner world
-reduce stress and anxiety
-feel ready for deeper intimacy

So here are my 4 steps to truly nurturing yourself:

1.       Drop the doing
The first step is a little surprising but in order to really nurture yourself, you first must drop the need to DO anything. There is no need to get fit, no need to get healthy, no need to sit for hours in meditation. YES, those things are all important and if you have been doing them, you have a huge head start but it is not the full picture. When you truly nurture your inner connection of love, these things just fall into place and happen naturally.

​​The most important thing for real nurture is space.

2.       Invite
Next, you need to invite the connection. This connection is always there and is always available to us, but for most of our lives we have been willing it away. To get back into connection we must consciously send out an invitation. This can invoke l fear and resistance as our spirit carries our truth and for most of our lives we have been burying our truth away to feel “safe”
 in the world. This is why this step is so important. Connection to love is the safest and most beneficial state of all. If the fear is too great to face on your own you may benefit from the help of a guide or coach like me.

3.       Soften
The next step is epically easy, but also the most challenging. It is so much easier to take action than to receive (which only comes down to practice). To soften, we have to get out of our heads: we cannot think our way there as this is not about logic. Instead this happens in our bodies and our hearts. Using the breath to help us, we just let go into the energy that is already inside of us. It can feel like a conscious opening up of all of our cells. Then you feel a sense of lightness and comfort and that is your inner connection to spirit.

4.       Create a ritual
Create a scaffolding ritual for your connection. By this I mean anything such as putting your hands in prayer position and closing your eyes. The key is to make this easy and accessible. You will want to be able to pop back into connection throughout your day and when you are out and about. But as I learnt, it takes more than the ritual or the scaffolding to actually connect.

Personally, I call my connection Spirit.

​​I connect to spirit. Spirit is a word that feels right for me and conjures up the energy of truth and love. It may not work for you. Play around with words and definitions until you feel comfortable and held.

That’s it. So simple. Yet so easy to not do! 

Love is the most nurturing force in existence:
It heals, offers goodness, allows in nourishment, joy and pleasure.
Love is abundance.
You realise after a while that this is not something that is external to you, but it is you. You are love and then for a moment, all self-doubt falls away.

It is important not to be too hard on yourself if, like me, you have been disconnected. Whether it be a day, a month or years we ebb and flow in and out of connection. The juiciest learning happens in the contrast and the most important thing is that we come back eventually.

As a relationship coach, I see this inner connection as our primary relationship. If you feel like you would like to nurture this relationship yet it all feels out of reach, I can help. Book a discovery call and let’s chat.​​


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Nicole Mathieson

Hi, I'm Nicole Mathieson, a relationship and body image coach, couple therapist and author.

My relationships blog helps couples learn practical ways to cultivate a deeper understanding of one another, find safety and connection in relationships, navigate difficult conversations and repair after conflict.