Is he or isn’t he my soul mate?

soul mates, relationship coach

Don’t let a belief in Soulmates lead you to negativity

A client recently asked me if I believed in soul mates.

“Yes!  I do.” I replied. But not in the same way I used to.

When I first got together with my husband, I believed whole heartedly that I had found my soul mate. My one true love. The one and only one for me. (No pressure !!!)

Back then my definition of a soul mate was quite different to what it is today. I thought it meant endless love, passion, ease and a distinct lack of problems.

endless love and passion

Over the years, as we have gone through the ups and downs of marriage, parenting together and becoming more deeply intimate with each other as human beings, I would put it differently. I now believe a soul mate is an intimate partner who helps you grow into your potential through the portal of love.

This is a fundamental shift.

These days I can see that the concept of soul mates being an idyllic, loved up ride is treacherous as it leads us quite naturally down the path of judgement, comparison and disappointment.

“Is this person really my soul match?” is an almost inevitable question. It is a question that can have you metaphorically stepping one foot out the door. A question whose natural influence is to have us weighing up all the positive and negative traits of our partner versus the ideal one in your head. This can only really lead to being a lot more judgemental and ready to find fault.

Then we compare. We ask, “Is my partner as good (a soul match) as other people’s”. We look at someone on social media declaring they have met their “twin flame” or “long lost soul lover”. We see them looking radiant and infatuated. Then we look at our own partner (or lack there-of) and open ourselves up to feelings of lack and inferiority, which can again easily tend towards fault finding and negativity.

Instead, let’s ask ourselves these questions.

Firstly, is this questioning and comparing useful?
The answer is of course, not if it makes us feel negative.

And secondly:

Are our souls really interested in making this journey idyllic for us?

Here’s the thing that I have learnt about souls. Souls, by my definition, are the part of you that have your best interests and highest potential in mind. What I have found, is that their main aim is for you to truly comprehend your own lovability. To do that you need to get beyond your EGO…. aka you need to GROW beyond your EGO.

So, your soul is not really all that interested in simply making this relationship journey the “endless love, passion, ease and distinct lack of problems” of my younger imaginings.  Where is the growth in that? The endless love stuff is of course all possible but most of us are more likely to find it on the other side of growth – especially when we are talking about long term relationships.

For me, I am in no doubt that I am with my soul mate. My life with my husband has had me learn SO MANY LESSONS.  

He has been teaching me:

-how to be a woman (adult) not a princess
-patience (this is a BIG one!)
-the real meaning of love and how to receive it (without freaking out)
-to get out of my freaking head (and all the negativity that is stuck there)

Is there only one person in the whole wide world who could elicit such love through growth from me? No, I don’t think so. Our souls will get their lessons – they are insatiable like that. Perhaps a different partner would make the lesson learning faster or slower or more or even less painful. For me, I am happy right here.

The message here is that a soul mate while a lovely concept is not the blissed out, loved up, easeful beings of our imaginings – at least not for most of us. Do not get disheartened and let the challenges or the comparison lead you into doubtful negativity that can spiral you into relationship strife.

Not every partner is worth staying with. Not every partner is a soul mate. Not all soul mates are partners for life. This journey will, like everything in life, have a different path and flavour for all of us.

For many of us, we are letting idealism cast a negative shadow over the one we are with. Perhaps your soul mate is the one right there in front of you teaching you everything you need to know.


Take out your journal and make a list of all the big lessons you are learning from your partner. If single – try this with your most recent partner.

Take a moment for each lesson, with hands on your heart, to offer gratitude to your partner for helping you learn such immense lessons.

I would love to hear from you. Have you ever felt the sting of comparison or questioning around the term soul mate?

Let me know in the comments and if you feel called share with us the big lessons are you learning from your partne

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