Can you let love in?

Let love in

Love takes a great deal of courage.

When I was a very young adult, I thought all I wanted was love and acceptance.

And I searched for it in nightclubs.

Inside I felt unsure of myself {to put it mildly}.

Unattractive

Unloveable

I wanted to fit in.

And I looked to the world outside myself to work out how to be.

My Ego was fierce.

One night in a nightclub, I found someone.

I often found contenders, but usually I had to play all kinds of games and pimp my values just for some fleeting interest. But this time the connection felt real. Our hearts were resonating. We flirted, we talked, he really liked me, and it felt amazing. We found a secluded corner of the nightclub and started kissing. We were on fire.

Could this be what I was looking for?

Then the lights came on and I noticed that this man was imperfect. He had a deformity. It was slight but noticeable.

And I ran.

He came looking for me, and I hid. I felt bad but I was not woman enough to accept this imperfect love.

My ego could not cope. I was not secure enough in myself to be able to handle someone else’s imperfections.

I was terrified and challenged.

Did I need others to see me with the perfect man lest my inadequacies and imperfections were on show for all to see?

Did I not know who I was to the point that this man was a way of creating an identity through association?

Did I need an excuse to keep me out of my closed up heart?

YES.

So I was not seeking love and acceptance after all. I was seeking the perfect image.

I have a family friend who is woman enough to marry a man with severe burn scars all over his face, affecting his health and speech.

What a woman!!

The event in the nightclub stays with me.

It shows me even now, how my ego holds me out. {And if you are a perfectionist of any degree you will get this}

It can’t stand it unless you are showing the perfect veneer.

The Ego Keeps us in the shallow water or out of the water entirely telling us Nobody {not even your husband} is good enough.

And yes, you could be well and truly immersed in the waters of a long term relationship yet still holding intimacy away – grumpiness, blame and expectations unmet, the perfect cover for a terrified to be intimate EGO.

But there is another murmur present in this power struggle – the voice of your heart. My heart voice was calling to me on that night in the nightclub, leaving me feeling unsatisfied and wanting – feeling, what I know now as out of integrity, but what I then just covered up with another drink.

When you ask your heart what it is it really wants, when you soften in and really ask it, without the fear and doubt;

Do you want this surface stuff – do you need it to look and seem perfect?

Do you want me to hold this love at arm’s length due to imperfection?

You know what your heart will say;

NO WAY

Your heart speaks in the language of feeling – not looks, not veneer. It only asks does it feel good to you

So next time you get cranky pants at your partner, just check in with your heart. Is this your fear of intimacy speaking?

And if it is, own the fear.

Allow yourself to feel it.

Let it inform you of where you are really at.

Sink in to the wisdom of your heart.

Take care

Nicole

4 Comments

  1. Anna on November 13, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    Your article completely resonated with me … even the thought of owning the fear of intimacy is terrifying but deep down I know that you are missing out on a rawer and more honest connection if you don’t … xxoo

    • Nicole on November 19, 2014 at 12:18 pm

      Oh Anna,
      I know! The thought of the fear of intimacy is terrifying. But you are so right – that is where all the juicy joy of life lives. So much more to come on this topic. P.S Anna I am pretty sure you were there on that night in the nightclub – or at least plenty more like it. You saw fear of intimacy with your very own eyes, played out in it’s most immature form!
      Oh how I am committed to steering towards the raw honest connection – no matter how much it terrifies me.
      xxn

  2. Jane on November 19, 2014 at 11:11 am

    I feel the truth of this in my bones and the grip of the fear in my gut. Every time I feel like I am getting close to overcoming, I feel like I keep getting shoved back in the box & I am exhausted. How do I make it stop?

    • Nicole on November 19, 2014 at 12:15 pm

      Hi Jane,
      Thank you for sharing this. I am glad you felt the truth of this and that it has triggered something for you. This is a marker of where your healing lies. You are so close.
      I want you to know that this is not about other people loving you, this is about you loving yourself. This is about surrender.
      To stop this – make a pact with your heart, that there is no fear too strong, no emotion too big that you can’t hold yourself in support around. Commit to the time that is needed, to the sobs that you need to release, to whatever it takes to being the champion of your own heart.
      I am here for extra support if you need.
      You got this!
      xxNicole

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