Love takes a great deal of courage.

When I was a very young adult, I thought all I wanted was love and acceptance.

And I searched for it in nightclubs.

Inside I felt unsure of myself {to put it mildly}.

Unattractive

Unloveable

I wanted to fit in.

And I looked to the world outside myself to work out how to be.

My Ego was fierce.

One night in a nightclub, I found someone.

I often found contenders, but usually I had to play all kinds of games and pimp my values just for some fleeting interest. But this time the connection felt real. Our hearts were resonating. We flirted, we talked, he really liked me, and it felt amazing. We found a secluded corner of the nightclub and started kissing. We were on fire.

Could this be what I was looking for?

Then the lights came on and I noticed that this man was imperfect. He had a deformity. It was slight but noticeable.

And I ran.

He came looking for me, and I hid. I felt bad but I was not woman enough to accept this imperfect love.

My ego could not cope. I was not secure enough in myself to be able to handle someone else’s imperfections.

I was terrified and challenged.

Did I need others to see me with the perfect man lest my inadequacies and imperfections were on show for all to see?

Did I not know who I was to the point that this man was a way of creating an identity through association?

Did I need an excuse to keep me out of my closed up heart?

YES.

So I was not seeking love and acceptance after all. I was seeking the perfect image.

I have a family friend who is woman enough to marry a man with severe burn scars all over his face, affecting his health and speech.

What a woman!!

The event in the nightclub stays with me.

It shows me even now, how my ego holds me out. {And if you are a perfectionist of any degree you will get this}

It can’t stand it unless you are showing the perfect veneer.

The Ego Keeps us in the shallow water or out of the water entirely telling us Nobody {not even your husband} is good enough.

And yes, you could be well and truly immersed in the waters of a long term relationship yet still holding intimacy away – grumpiness, blame and expectations unmet, the perfect cover for a terrified to be intimate EGO.

But there is another murmur present in this power struggle – the voice of your heart. My heart voice was calling to me on that night in the nightclub, leaving me feeling unsatisfied and wanting – feeling, what I know now as out of integrity, but what I then just covered up with another drink.

When you ask your heart what it is it really wants, when you soften in and really ask it, without the fear and doubt;

Do you want this surface stuff – do you need it to look and seem perfect?

Do you want me to hold this love at arm’s length due to imperfection?

You know what your heart will say;

NO WAY

Your heart speaks in the language of feeling – not looks, not veneer. It only asks does it feel good to you? 

So next time you get cranky pants at your partner, just check in with your heart. Is this your fear of intimacy speaking?

And if it is, own the fear.

Allow yourself to feel it.

Let it inform you of where you are really at.

Sink in to the wisdom of your heart.

Take care