Why am I such a bitch to the one I love?

Why am I such a bitch to the one I love?

You thought you were the only one who was mean to their partner? Sadly, or perhaps, reassuringly, that is not the case. You are in good company.

Being a bitch to the ones we love is common amongst us women.

Read on or listen to the post below.

It is strange isn’t it, that the ones we love the most, get our most bitchy behaviour.

We don’t want to be bitches and we don’t want to push away a good man or a good relationship.

This post aims to help you gain awareness around your relationship "bitch" so that you can feel more in control of your reactions and feel like you are building the loving, safe relationship that you really want.

How do you stop being a bitch to the one you love? Click here for the 3 steps.

Before we delve into this let’s get clear on a few things;

  1. This post is talking as if to a heterosexual woman for ease, familiarity and as this is what I know. If this is not you, I am sorry not to speak to you directly. I hope the words you find here still feel relevant as they are relevant to everyone in relationship.
  2. I am presuming that your partner is a “good” man. Good in that he is not violent or abusive and he is worth you making this effort to improve your relationship. If he is not, then perhaps you are being a bitch as you have no other choice. If this is you, I recommend you get help. If you are in Australia get help here.
  3. The fact that you have asked this question to yourself has me presuming that you are ready to look at your own behaviour and take the steps to grow and make changes. No? then perhaps this is not the right post for you.
  4. We are not suggesting that your partner is a saint. He has his faults, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about the changes that you can make to get out of this pattern.
  5. Bitch is a horrible, derogatory word. I apologise if it offends you. I am using it here, as I have found nothing better to describe my own behaviour when I am triggered, angry and I take it out on my partner. (Screaming banshee might have cut it!) The word describes the behaviour and not the woman. Certainly not you!

So why are we such bitches to our beloved life partners? Is it because;

  • We are with this person A LOT and sometimes they’re an idiot
  • We feel the pressure of having to make this work “‘til death do us part”
  • Our lives are full of pressure…. financial, kids, time, family etc.
  • We need to let off steam and we prefer to do it somewhere safe - our partners are a safe place
  • We are hormonal & emotional creatures
  • We have watched way too many fairy-tales about how love should look and now we have unrealistic expectations

All of the above, right?

We blame our bitchiness on the things in the list above, but when I delve deeper with myself and my clients, we often find there are other, deeper issues at play. The above are easy excuses for being a bitch but they are not the real reason. Want to take this deeper and have the understanding that will help you change, then I invite you to peruse the reasons below.

I see 3 main causes for our bitchy behaviour; Insecurity, a build up of resentment and poor communication.

 

Insecurity

 

Relationships can bring out insecurities in even the most stable and secure among us. There is something about the closeness, the intimacy and the trust required that makes us doubt our worthiness to be loved by this person.

You may be the most confident person in all other areas of your life, but faced with truly opening your heart to another, you may find the question arising within you “am I enough?”. Or it might not even be that obvious. you might just want to push and run and hide.

This is normal, in fact I believe it is a part of the human condition (ie: we all feel this deep down) and it harks back to the attachment situation in your early childhood years.

So, how does this self-doubt make us more bitchy?

When we feel insecure, the most natural response is 1. defensiveness or 2. attack both of which are examples of bitchy behaviour. The behaviour is triggered by fear (the fear of not feeling worthy) and the response is a way of protecting ourselves.

Dealing with / healing our own sense of self-worth, is one of the best ways to feel more secure and less reactive and bitchy in your relationship.

How do you work on your own self-worth? Here are some ideas;

- journaling and tuning in to your inner world. This helps you build a better relationship with yourself.
- meditation. It is hard but so beneficial for building trust and comfort with who you are
- get a coach or counsellor to explore any resistance, trauma or blockages to self-worth
- do an online course such as this one

A build up of Resentment

In a long-term relationship there are so many things that can frustrate, irritate or anger you. Resentment builds when these issues are not dealt with to the point where you feel a sense of clear resolution or acceptance.

Relationships suffer (and sometimes die) from what John Gottman calls “negative sentiment override” in other words, the build-up of resentment to the point where you can no longer see the good in your partner at all - only the negative.

When we are seething with resentment, the smallest little thing, such as our partner not remembering to greet us after a long day’s work, can send us over the edge into a rage.

In other words, resentment brings out our bitch response.

Resentment is exacerbated by our unrealistic expectations. If you believe your partner "should" be doing things "right", then there are perhaps some unrealistic expectations that he is either unaware of or unwilling to take on.

So what can we do to clear our resentment;

  • learn to release & manage resentment with my online workshop "Release resentment"
  • practice the art of repair
  • learn communication skills (see below) and use them at the first sign of irritation rather than letting things stew.
  • take responsibility for your part in the issue.

 

Poor communication

 

Most of us are not great at dealing with conflict or having difficult conversations. In fact, a lot of the women who see me for relationship coaching need a lot of help with learning how to communicate better with their partners.

Our natural tendency is to put off communication and then blurt it out in anger

When this happens we tend to criticise or come from a place of the victim because we have left it festering for too long. Then we wonder why we don’t get the response we want from our partner!

Communication techniques are vital, yet most of us did not learn effective communication skills growing up. The good news is that they can be learnt and make a huge difference to the quality of your relationship.

What can we do to get better at communicating;

  • Learn the communication do's and dont's with my online workshop "Communicate better"
  • Spend quality time talking to your partner every day. This will open the pathways for more closeness which helps the communication flow
  • Pause. Stop communicating when you are triggered and emotional. Take 5 (or probably better to take 50minutes) and come back to the discussion when you have calmed down
  • Prioritise. Journal out all the things you feel like you need to say to your partner and then choose the one most important issue to start with. Otherwise we tend to overwhelm our partner and ourselves and we lose the power of our point
  • Learn some communication skills by seeing a relationship coach or reading books such as Non Violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

 

I hope that these reasons have given you some insight to your own bitchy behaviour. The good news is that getting cranky and even mean is quite a common response to the realities of long-term relationships. This does not mean you want to stay bitchy though! Hell no!

But here’s the thing. As you can see above, a lot of the reasons we are bitches, while they are triggered by your partner, are not your partner’s fault. This bitchy behaviour would happen with any partner you found yourself with. Which is a great realisation to have. We need to get beyond the blame and take these bitchy trigger points as invitations to grow.

Next steps;

  1. Book a one hour session with me.
  2. Look at the list above and choose one area that feels like a priority to focus on/ heal/ take your responsibility for. 
  3. Sign up for my 3 steps to stop being a bitch
  4. Read my previous post in the 4-part series: 10 ways you could be destroying your marriage.
  5. For a deeper dive, join my online workshop "How to stop being a bitch to the one you love"

 

{ 108 comments }

Leave a Comment

  • Amber Noah March 18, 2016, 12:54 pm

    I had been with this guy for 1 year and a few months then we brake up. At first through the break up it was fine we still talked to each other then I guess I got a bit jealous then I bitched at him I don’t know why I really do this when I start talking to him its just like its a normal thing when I talk to him but I don’t want to be that way anymore. The only bad thing we had in our relationship was we argued but that’s not a big deal. I’d like to have him back later in life. But now I guess I’ve nagged at him to much for him to even talk to me. I’m really confused on what to do.

    Reply
    • hdgu556jdikb08 March 24, 2016, 10:09 am

      hmmm it is a tricky one Amber, and perhaps a really lovely wake up moment for you. Stay kind and compassionate to yourself. Stay in your heart and you will find the trust that you are okay now. This is the foundation stone for a feel good life xx

      Reply
    • Zachariah May 20, 2018, 1:04 am

      Send him nudes he’ll come back

      Reply
      • Nicole May 22, 2018, 11:13 am

        Not sure how helpful this is

        Reply
  • Angela MacDonald April 14, 2016, 8:10 am

    Can I sign up for the emotional resilience training.

    Thanks

    Angela

    Reply
    • Nicole April 14, 2016, 12:55 pm

      Hi Angela,
      I am not sure exactly which training you are talking about. At the moment I have a few great tools for emotional resilience. Drop me an email and I can send you some tools.
      xN

      Reply
  • lisa heim June 7, 2016, 12:54 pm

    Wow, you hit the nail on the head and I had never thought about that being the reason. And it made total sense. I think that one sentence ” You are a bitch to the one you love and care about because you fear that you are not enough”.. will change the way I act…. I hope

    Reply
    • Nicole June 14, 2016, 7:37 pm

      Hey Lisa,
      I am so glad that that hit home for you and even better if it helps you rethink your reactivity.
      Good luck with it
      xxN

      Reply
    • Amanda September 12, 2016, 2:29 am

      Bullseye. Why do we have to be so worried that we aren’t enough that we self destruct our own worst fears?
      Bitch until they can’t enjoy us at all..

      Reply
      • Nicole September 21, 2016, 7:43 pm

        So true Amanda. It is just our fear speaking. We are so much nicer to be around when we can recognise and comfort ourselves in our fear.
        Take care
        xN

        Reply
  • Brittany June 30, 2016, 12:03 pm

    Wow. I’m speechless. U are so right. Thank u

    Reply
    • Nicole July 9, 2016, 10:55 am

      My pleasure Brittany xN

      Reply
  • GRAY, Wm. Allan January 21, 2017, 3:04 pm

    Very USEFUL article!

    Reply
    • Nicole January 24, 2017, 2:36 pm

      Thank you

      Reply
  • Faith March 13, 2017, 10:15 am

    This honestly just changed my life.
    Thank you

    Reply
    • Nicole March 14, 2017, 1:45 pm

      I am so glad to hear it Faith. Thank you for sharing this, and make sure you come and join our online FB group where there is more of this kind of chat xxN

      Reply
  • Robyn March 24, 2017, 12:28 pm

    This really spoke to me. This is exactly why I’m being a bitch. Now to learn how to let myself be comfortable wth that fear. And try and let it go.

    Reply
    • Nicole April 5, 2017, 3:37 pm

      Yes, this is the invitation. To turn towards the fear and the pain. Deep breaths honey. Good luck xxN

      Reply
  • Lauren Patton May 13, 2017, 12:24 pm

    Wow that was perfect, it really was what I needed to hear right now. Very accurate, I wasn’t expecting to actually find an answer to this question. I think I now understand why I have been acting the way I have.

    Reply
    • Nicole May 15, 2017, 2:18 pm

      Hey Laura,
      Great to hear. I am glad it makes sense, now we can start to make sense of ourselves and our partners.
      Come join the conversation in my Fb group http://www.facebook.com/groups/embracewomenscircle/
      xN

      Reply
      • Joseline May 21, 2019, 11:04 am

        This was helpful, confirming and assuring. I really liked the part you said,”We are not suggesting that your partner is a saint. He has his faults, but that is not what this post is about.” Sometimes I can be quick to say his faults . I’m with a guy for 5 years and over the course we had ups and downs. We went through a lot, physically and emotionally and with that I think came resentment. I’m realizing I have horrible communication skills in my relationships. I tend to let things build up. I’m noticing how insecure and jealous I can be. And it kills me that through everything he is still so caring and nice to me. I want to end this bitchy behavior and grow and learn healthy ways to cope and express myself. Thanks

        Reply
        • Nicole May 24, 2019, 11:35 am

          Joseline,
          Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate your insights and am so glad that this post has perhaps given you the direction in which to explore. Resentment is a biggy. I would love to have you join my workshop – Release Resentment if you feel interested. Check it out here; https://www.nicolemathieson.com/resentment
          Take care
          Nicole

          Reply
  • Jalessia July 2, 2017, 6:40 am

    This is genius. I’m sending you love.
    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Nicole July 21, 2017, 7:42 pm

      Thank you Jalessia

      Reply
  • Nova July 25, 2017, 12:01 am

    Oh my god this hit it right on th head! I’m 17 and my boyfriend is a typical 20 year old, we have been together for a rough 6 months and I am always a bitch to him for some reason! I don’t know what it is but for some reason I always get jealous of other girls he is with and can’t trust him and then blow up… I feel like this would be enough for him to leave me and I don’t want to be like this anymore and now I know it’s because I don’t think I’m enough. I feeel like “he is bored with me”… I don’t know what to do and I feel like I have this hole inside of me sucking out all the happiness in our relationship….

    Reply
    • Nicole August 5, 2017, 9:07 pm

      Nova, The first big step to getting out of this big, dark sucky hole is exactly this realisation. Just seeing this pattern for what it is… fear, is huge. Now you can take steps to try to feel safe and comfortable in who you are. Come and join my facebook community for inspiration on how to build your inner relationship so that you are ready for intimacy…unbreakablelovecommunity.com
      xN

      Reply
  • Noelle July 29, 2017, 7:52 am

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now.. Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve always been this way. Bitchy, jealous, and a but of everything negative and destructive for a relationship. I’m trying to change the fighting over little things but I’m finding it hard.. Any advice to stop fighting with him so much? Steps maybe?

    Reply
    • Nicole August 5, 2017, 9:08 pm

      Hi Noelle,
      You are not alone in this. it is kind of crazy isn’t it? We love someone and it makes us bitchy. Yes, I have heaps of advice for you, come and join my Facebook community where I share heaps of ideas and inspiration on how to build our inner relationship so that we are intimacy ready. unbreakablelovecommunity.com
      xN

      Reply
  • Fat horrible american July 30, 2017, 11:14 am

    Or as I’ve noted ‘your problems are not what you do they are who you are’. You can change what you do but not who you are

    Reply
    • Nicole August 5, 2017, 9:10 pm

      Hi Fat horrible America,
      This is an interesting point, thank you.
      I think there is a whole lot we can change – while not changing ourselves, but changing our approach, our energy and our attitudes can make huge impacts on how life responds to us.
      xN

      Reply
  • Leigh August 8, 2017, 3:50 am

    My boyfriend of 3 years and I have fought all weekend which was very disappointing because we, at 40 years old, I thought had finally outgrew this silly bickering. I nearly brushed it aside and chalked it up to I was justified in all my bitching until my 18 year old daughter told me that I have been a straight bitch for 3 years. Timing of the relationship with my boyfriend is no coincidence of why my daughter hates him. He was a longtime sweetheart and the reason of my affair and then divorce. My daughter’s issues with him are warranted (a bit- he is a great guy despite our pull towards each other- married or not) yet neither of them deserve me being a bitch. I don’t feel like I am enough because of what I did and whom all I hurt. 3 years later, I still feel like I uprooted lives that will never be the same again. I worry constantly and fret because the financial security I had is out the window. The only thing in my life that I feel good about is my daughter and the man I love. I feel like I am pushing them both out the door. She is ready to move off to college and hates that I am keeping her here in community college and he is still here but I don’t know why sometimes. They are the last two I would ever want to hurt but I can’t seem to do anything but….

    Reply
    • Nicole August 14, 2017, 4:11 pm

      Leigh,
      This sounds like a tricky situation. I can imagine that you feel anxious. It is great that you are aware that the reason you are being a bitch is that you feel guilt. My advice is to comfort yourself in your guilt rather than act from it. Have you joined my facebook community yet? http://www.unbreakablelovecommunity.com – we hold lots of inspiring discussions in there that would help xxN

      Reply
  • Kate Pollard Sparks August 28, 2017, 11:33 am

    So glad I found your website. It is very comforting to acknowledge that I am a bitch b/c I am not enough. Not sure what song has been playing these words in my head: ‘no matter how much I glitter baby, I will never be gold’.
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Nicole August 29, 2017, 9:54 am

      Hi Kate,
      It is a relief isn’t it. It means that it is just the voice of fear, rather than what your head was most likely telling you….that it was all wrong. I love the sounds of that song.
      xN

      Reply
  • Julie October 6, 2017, 4:31 am

    I Tried to follow the link to the Facebook group but i was denied, content not available or deleted.

    Reply
  • Destanie Doyle December 8, 2017, 4:37 pm

    This website has really worked for I found all I need ty soo much for the advice

    Reply
    • Nicole January 4, 2018, 12:37 pm

      My pleasure

      Reply
  • Jessica Savoie-Martin December 16, 2017, 8:55 am

    Oh man. I am really struggling right now and it’s so funny that I found these words that say it all stems from me not feeling like I’m enough. BAM !! I just said this the other day. It’s taken me almost a year to figure out why I have turned into this thing I don’t recognize. I keep blaming my alcoholic husband but I’m starting to realize so much of this falls on my own shoulders. I’m seeking out al-anon and counseling for MYSELF !!! I want to be happy and goofy and loving again. For me. For my children (who are just afraid of me at this point because I’ve become so bitter and unapproachable ) and for my husband. This is. It how I imagined my life to be once getting married. But I refuse to just give up and walk away from it. I can overcome this. I’m tired of being so tense and wound up and mean and bitter and unhappy. That’s not who I am and not who I want to be

    Reply
    • Nicole January 4, 2018, 12:37 pm

      Hi Jessica,
      Our partners are certainly not these perfect angels but you are so right, it is not helpful for us to sit in blame. There is so much that we can take responsibility for and change for the better. I wish you all the very best and all the courage in the world.
      xN

      Reply
  • Julia January 12, 2018, 6:49 am

    I have been nasty, mean and more than a bitch to the one man I ever loved. He has walked away now because it got too much. I was stuck in bitch mode and couldn’t get out. Where do I go from here? I’m still stuck in bitch mode

    Reply
    • Nicole January 12, 2018, 1:23 pm

      I am sad to hear that you lost your man Julia. What to do from here? Get comfortable feeling. We are bitchy and mean because we are projecting all our uncomfortable feelings onto them. If you need one on one support, I can help. Or I have the perfect little program that would help you.
      Take care
      xn

      Reply
  • Shania January 13, 2018, 12:52 am

    So me nd my boyfriend have been together for 3months now and i know he is the one! But things are rough lately! And my bitchy self at the beginning of our relationship has hurt him real bad! I feel lost… I don’t know what to do to save our relationship!

    Reply
    • Nicole January 15, 2018, 10:24 am

      Hi Shania,
      I understand it is tough. We are so terrified of being hurt that it makes us crazy. Take care of yourself. Deepen into your gratitude for who he is. Remind yourself that you are just afraid.
      All the best
      xN

      Reply
  • Beth January 16, 2018, 12:19 am

    I’m living with an am engaged to my partner and I love and cherish him so much but I just keep being a bitch to him for no reason and I just couldn’t stop my self. I couldn’t figure it out, but this made so so much sense. My mum abandoned me as a child and did… very bad things to be when I was younger. Then my Dad took me in after 10000’s of pounds worth of court battles and I found my self being mean to him too. I understand my self now. It’s this fear of abandonment, and I just need to overcome it. Thank you so so much <3

    Reply
    • Nicole January 16, 2018, 4:11 pm

      Hi Beth,
      I am so glad this has helped you make sense of your responses. It is not easy being intimate, but so so worthy. I wish you all the very best in life and love
      xNicole

      Reply
  • Rachael smith January 23, 2018, 4:00 pm

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months and IDK what to do because I have been very rude to him lately I’m only rude to him because I either think he’s ignoring me by texts and calling or cheating on me maybe I’m overreacting here so how can I be more nicer to him instead of sending rude messages to him I always get mad at him because he sometimes is busy and can’t see me or he’s doing something up help me

    Reply
    • Nicole January 30, 2018, 11:12 am

      I look forward to chatting about this further in your session
      Xn

      Reply
  • Ingrid Stanley March 4, 2018, 4:11 pm

    This really helped me. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Nicole March 5, 2018, 7:16 pm

      I am so glad to hear this Indrid xxN

      Reply
  • Cali Adkins March 15, 2018, 4:35 am

    This totally helped me realize why I am such a bitch to my boyfriend. I really do love him and I’ve been trying to step away from being that way towards him. I guess being hurt so many times from exes takes a toll on someone. I just hope this works and I don’t loose the love of my life thank you for your amazing article it helped me a lot.

    Reply
    • Nicole April 3, 2018, 10:53 am

      Hey Cali,
      I think realising that intimacy is triggering your hurt can help you understand yourself and step away from the reaction of anger and bitchiness a bit. I wish you all the best. xN

      Reply
  • Lala March 24, 2018, 5:40 pm

    Hi..

    Yes you are right i do feel like i am not good enough… how do i make this right if he makes a point of it to show or tell me that nothing i do is right in his eyes… how am i supposed to believe i am good enough?

    Reply
    • Nicole April 3, 2018, 10:56 am

      Hi Lala,
      Honey, you are actually good enough. The thoughts that you have that tell you otherwise are only there to try to keep you safe from an unpredictable world. They come from the part of you that cares so much about you that it wants to keep you safe because you are worthy. Your partner criticising you is just him trying to keep you with him. It is control and manipulation. It comes from the part of him that is not feeling safe and loveable. You are enough. xN

      Reply
  • Luna April 6, 2018, 4:55 am

    I have to change or my fear is going to true. He is going to leave me and I moved to another state for him. I’m totally freaked out I’m somewhere I don’t know any one and just keep being a needy bitch to as he tells me. So please help me I don’t want to lose him.

    Reply
    • Nicole April 8, 2018, 8:03 pm

      Hi Luna,
      I know this must be a very scary time for you and fear kind of makes us act really crazy doesn’t it. I think what is going to work best for you at this moment in time is being really kind and loving to the part of you that is freaking out. Remember it is just a part of you, it is not all of you. There are other parts of you that are confident and clear, but this part is running the show. She needs some love. She needs love from you. Can you be kind to her?
      xN

      Reply
  • bob hillis April 6, 2018, 10:13 pm

    nicole— your right about what you stated. I don’t blame my wife,for the nasty things ,she says,to me .She has said to me ,i hate you,if she really felt that way ,she would not care about ,my health , and she would have left a long time ago. I know she must trust me ,to vent like she does, i do not know why she does this. she;s very smart woman. Maybe too smart ,for her own good, i.m just waiting to see ,what happens ,next ,feel she still lives me ,but has a strange way of showing it.

    Reply
    • Nicole April 8, 2018, 8:00 pm

      Bob, thank you so much for giving us the man’s perspective here. I imagine this behaviour must be quite mysterious from the other side. Too right, she still loves you. In my experience the bitchy behaviour feels a lot like hurt. It is as though our expectations of happy ever after have left us feeling like everything is inadequate. You sound like a good man Bob and she is a lucky woman to have you standing by her.
      Take care
      XN

      Reply
  • Kristin Hope April 23, 2018, 12:49 pm

    …I can’t find my comment.

    Did it not post? ?

    Reply
    • Nicole April 23, 2018, 2:25 pm

      I can’t see it here Kristen, do you want to email me?

      Reply
  • Desiree April 27, 2018, 9:26 pm

    Hey Nicole do you have any advice for me? So my boyfriend was a jerk all yesterday call me names and stuff and he never is like that. So the only time he wanted to be nice was when we were in bed together and by that time I was mad because of the fact that he wanted to be nice to get some. I told him I didn’t want any , But we did it anyways but I gave him the silent treatment during it. And halfway through I realized that was the wrong way to handle things and by that time he already stopped because he was mad because of the fact that I was quiet. Well he ignored me the next day and slept far away from me so I had to force him to talk to me and told him I was sorry and I was wrong to do that . And now he says that he does not please me and that I don’t want him and he’s Making a big deal about it. I don’t know what else I could do but apologize, but he’s not taking my apology serious what else could I do? I told him I loved him very much and sometimes I do Things without thinking and I told him it’s not the sex I love our sex I was just mad please help

    Reply
    • Nicole May 2, 2018, 4:49 pm

      Desiree,
      I can see why this problem feels so uncomfortable for you. The truth is that this has nothing to do with you not being into him. The truth is that you were hurt. Your partner, may not realise that you were hurt, so I think that the best approach here is to be honest. Let him know in a way that is not blaming him and not angry, that you were hurt because you want to feel connected and close. This could be a deepening conversation that helps you understand each other.
      I wish you all the best
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Ally May 15, 2018, 11:46 pm

    I’ve been in a relationship for a little over 2 years. My boyfriend and I get along so well, we haven’t had any fights. Little disagreements here and there, but nothing major. As of the last 2 months I feel like I’ve been distancing myself a little and I’ve been really mean, like over the smallest things almost as if I want there to be a fight. I’ve read the above article but I’m still stuck. I need to know what I can do to help myself before things get bad. He is so patient and doesn’t get on my level, which might be why I keep digging for a fight. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Nicole May 22, 2018, 11:12 am

      Hi Ally,

      Perhaps there is a sense within you that things are starting to get a bit more serious. 2 years is perhaps a significant milestone. It could also be that you are starting to feel things change as you enter a new phase and are less under the influence of the “honeymoon effect”, either way I would suggest you ask really honest questions of yourself such as “Am I afraid?”. See what comes up for you. I am here for a session if you need some guidance.
      xN

      Reply
  • Sara Eichelberger May 30, 2018, 4:03 am

    Thank you for this article. I have been with my new boyfriend for roughly six months and he is truly amazing very optimistic and also very patient. But I have a 2 year old son from a previous relationship and I get very overwhelmed sometimes and I seem to just snap on him the most I know he doesn’t deserve it he never does anything to provoke me yet I can’t help feeling afraid that I will lose him if I don’t start working on my fears and embracing them and allowing them to help me transform like you had said above so just wanted to say thank you for this. It was very helpful and encouraging

    Reply
    • Nicole June 3, 2018, 9:26 pm

      Thank you so much for your feedback Sara. I hope that this sparks the consciousness needed to be the woman you want to be in your relationship
      xxN

      Reply
  • Brooklyn June 5, 2018, 12:32 pm

    I’ve been with my boyfriend a short while now and I can feel a push and pull within myself. I’ve never had a father figure and have not been very successful in the relationship department as well. I love him very much and he is unconditionally loving and sweet towards me, the sweetest man I’ve ever known. I am so mean to him and it hurts me to see the sadness in his eyes, but it’s like I’m not in control. Reading this was like you had been there to experience it all with me. It’s opened my eyes and I’m gonna carry this with me everyday and grow from it.
    Thank you xx

    Reply
    • Nicole June 5, 2018, 2:26 pm

      I am so glad this feels helpful. I wish you all the very best

      xN

      Reply
  • Miguelina June 11, 2018, 10:25 am

    Help! My boyfriend says im super passive aggressive (which I am!) and he says I judge him all the time. I just want to try for both us to be better people I don’t understand and I need to be fixed.

    Reply
    • Nicole June 15, 2018, 10:50 am

      Hi Migeulina,
      I am so sorry to hear this. It can be really hard because we don’t want to be like this. I have a program that would help you. It is called “Shift your relationship without changing him” email me on hi@nicolemathieson.com if you want to know more
      Take care
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Danielle June 20, 2018, 3:44 pm

    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Nicole June 25, 2018, 11:40 am

      My Pleasure
      xN

      Reply
  • Lilly June 30, 2018, 8:29 am

    The awkward moment when your fear is that they are not enough? It sounds bloody terrible but that’s honestly the answer I got. I feel like I’m going to leave my partner behind and that they won’t be resilient enough to support me in the relationship rather than the other way around. This is just a fear, and is very likely not the case, but that’s definitely where my anxiety comes from.

    Reply
    • Nicole July 10, 2018, 12:02 pm

      Hi Lilly,
      I am so sorry to hear that you feel this way but I hope it also feels empowering for you.

      I hope this article helped
      Take care
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Ann Englund July 9, 2018, 2:29 am

    My husband sent me this link… yeah how does that make me feel. He screamed at me last night for an hour in front of our children that I was a stupid fukin bitch, with lots more words. This followed after I defended myself over a choice I made that he criticized, I had attitide in my defense and did cut him off when he tried to defend himself. He often tells me my choices arent good and I wont just sit by and let him treat me that way. We have been married 16 years, ans have four kids, but gosh I cant fathom living with him for another 40 years with the way our pattrrn has been, 16 yrs of fighting. He has dad wounds and so do I. Really we are bad for eachother and have been to lots of therapy and currently in some. What in the hell can I do? I appreciate your article and agree, i just think he always wants to blame me for our crazy. Any thoughts?

    Reply
    • Nicole July 10, 2018, 12:07 pm

      Hi Ann,
      I am so sorry to hear that you are in such an unhappy place in your relationship. I am really glad that this post helped you but am sorry that your husband sent it to you and that didn’t make you feel so good.
      I think that the practice of zooming forward 40 years to see how this would feel if it is still going, is a really useful one to gain perspective. I think perhaps it is time to leave or perhaps it is time to do everything you can to make this thing feel safe and comfortable for both of you. Either way, I wish you all the very best.

      If you need more help, check out my program “Shift your relationship, without changing him” https://thrivingwives.teachable.com/p/shift-your-relationship/
      Or book a session with me.
      xN

      Reply
  • Melissa Olmedo July 13, 2018, 8:46 am

    I had a fight with my boyfriend and he is upset with me because during our fight he was walking away from me and mostly to avoid me. We were living together and now he’s expecting me to leave but I love him and I don’t wanna leave him

    Reply
    • Nicole July 13, 2018, 11:54 am

      I am so sorry to hear that you are having struggles right now. But what is great is that you are clear that you love your partner. My advice to you would be to look at all the things you can take responsibility for.
      Good luck
      Nicole

      Reply
  • john July 14, 2018, 4:18 pm

    I found your site by typing in “ how to turn a bitch into a sweetheart” , this site was ranked #1. I enjoyed the reading, it described my wife to a T.
    I feel there my be hope for us, I can’t tell you how many times she told me
    “I feel like I am not enough “ I am in desperate need for help, this has been going on for ever (9yrs of marriage). Please, any advice would help, what can I do?

    Reply
    • Nicole July 17, 2018, 12:44 pm

      Hi John.

      It is lovely to hear a male voice in this thread that is not blaming and nasty but concerned and wanting to do something to help. I think you are pointing to exactly what this is about…your wife’s self esteem. The work of relationships is often about getting centred, stable and loving within themselves first.
      If your wife is open to it, I can see her in my one-on-one sessions. You could send her this link and see if she is open to it:https://nicolemathieson.com/work-with-me/
      Otherwise, things like mindfulness and yoga will definitely help but they will be slower.
      All the best
      xN

      Reply
  • Elisa July 25, 2018, 11:53 pm

    I’m mean and constantly bitchy to my boyfriend, and I realize it too. Last night I was acting completely crazy and saying the worst things, I went to sleep and he sent me multiple long messages on how we was tired of it when he truly is nothing but sweet to me. We almost broke up over me being like this, and I looked back on a previous relationship where I wasn’t like this, and he had cheated and left for other women. Reading this article helped a bit in understanding why I act the way I act, but it’s all still a little fuzzy…

    Reply
    • Nicole August 7, 2018, 1:19 pm

      Hi Elisa,

      I hope that the fuzziness is turning into clarity for you. The bitchiness comes from fear. The only way you can alleviate this fear is by doing the work on yourself and becoming a) more able to be loving and supportive to the troubled parts of yourself and b) more able to receive his love and clearly communicate what you need to feel loved.
      It is work, but so worthwhile
      Good luck
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Mark July 30, 2018, 7:46 am

    You are not explaining how to fix this. How does a man stop his wife from being irritable and bitchy all the time? She has everything a hard working man could give her.

    Reply
    • Nicole August 7, 2018, 1:17 pm

      Mark,
      I can understand that this is frustrating as there is no 3 step fix here. I am sure you are doing a great job but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. The answer, in a nutshell is that your wife wants more. I know that you are giving her everything, but it is not that that she wants. She wants your presence, your complete and utter assurance that you are there for her. For some women this is a bottomless pit, for others once they gain that assurance it can stick.
      I wish you luck and I welcome your questions
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Ashley July 31, 2018, 6:06 am

    Thanks I have been married for 5 years an with him 7,we have two little girls together,an he has two teens,I find myself bitching at him for not feeding a baby. Twins we have. But it’s crazy he bust his ass off for all of us. He works at night an I do to but I dont work as much as he does. We do the same job.cleaning buildings. So we do everything together pretty much. I have been thought so much in my past.same as him. I am very much in love an dont want anyone else. He loves me I? Myself If he is in love with me….I just cant stop bitching at him

    Reply
    • Nicole August 7, 2018, 1:14 pm

      Ashley, I hope this post helps.
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Samantha August 28, 2018, 1:22 am

    I just don’t understand stand why I yell at my boyfriend all the time… I feel like it is that I am NOT ENOUGJ but I’m not quite sure.. I cry sometimes after I yell or be mean to him because he didn’t do anything wrong really. I start all the arguments and everything if you are able to email me please do so it would be much appreciated thank you

    Reply
  • Jordyn December 14, 2018, 4:32 pm

    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 2 years now. I am 16 and he is 17. I know we are young but we have known each other for a long time, and i really love him. About 6 months ago him and his family moved an hour away and now he goes to a totally different school. We have been fighting nonstop, we blame it on the distance but I know that’s not all of it. Recently he told me that i was being rude to him everyday, i honestly didn’t know I was hurting him like he said I was. He said he doesn’t want to break up with me because he wants a future. but i am tired of us fighting. Could you help me on a long distance relationship?

    Reply
    • Nicole December 15, 2018, 10:10 pm

      Hi Jordyn,
      I am sorry to hear that you and your partner have been arguing a lot. It sounds like you guys have a great foundation of love and appreciation. Feel free to email me with your question.
      Take care
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Kayla R January 21, 2019, 1:25 am

    I never comment on things, but you really have an amazing skill here. Everything you said was exactly correct, word for word!

    Reply
    • Nicole January 22, 2019, 9:57 am

      Thank you so much for your lovely feedback Kayla. I am so glad you found some insight here. xN

      Reply
      • Pris March 1, 2019, 1:20 pm

        I have been in a rollercoaster for almost 5 years.
        We fight we get better for couple of weeks then fight again, I got to the end where I told him we need to split, he agreed then a week later he was upset, because he doesnt want me to leave.
        I just want my own space and take care of my self, we have a wonderful 5 years old girl, she truly believes in “we are family” I definitely want her to have us both, but at the same time I cant anymore with this relationship.
        He has diagnose me with “bipolar then BPD ” I dont think I am bitch anymore, I just wanna be happy and be over with it. I know I love him, but just think we can’t be happy together.

        Reply
        • Nicole March 4, 2019, 4:23 pm

          Hi Laura,
          It sounds like there is a lot of love between you and your partner. Perhaps you can work out a way to have a relationship that is perhaps non-traditional but that totally works for you both. I wish you all the very best of luck.
          Take care
          Nicole

          Reply
  • Jared Hinsley March 13, 2019, 2:08 pm

    Iam a husband who is dealing with a wife who is never happy and triggers easily. Right now I’m sleeping on the couch because I told her not to pound on the door when she got home. Everyday there is something to trigger her. When I tell her how i feel she says I’m manipulative and all I do is put her down. What can I possibly do?

    Reply
    • Nicole March 14, 2019, 1:08 pm

      Hi Jared,
      I am so sorry to hear that you are in this position. Your wife sounds really upset and that must be so hard to deal with. Have you read “non-violent communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend it for dealing with difficult situations like this. Join my newsletter to get a list of all the relationship resources I recommend. She is a lucky lady. I wish you luck.
      xN

      Reply
  • James May 20, 2019, 9:35 am

    Women expect the world and offer a sh– sandwich in return. Years of being told they can “have it all”, then realizing no one can have it all, infuriates them. Rather than adjusting their wildly unrealistic expectations they take out their anger on men. No wonder why so many men are turning away from marriage. I wish I had been one.

    Reply
    • Nicole May 24, 2019, 11:33 am

      James,
      I am sorry that this is your experience of women. It is true that our expectations can be unrealistic and that yes, we can be bitches. Thus, my post. I hope that this post has helped you see where this all comes from and hopefully shown you that we are capable of getting conscious and growing.
      All the best
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Michael H May 28, 2019, 6:32 am

    This hit the nail on the head. I am a bitch to my girlfriend and she is a bitch to me. All because we are insecure about ourselves and afraid of committing. So much turmoil in our lives over the past two yours has bred so much doubt. We have suffocated ourselves with Gottman and are not seeing the forest from the trees. I hope we can find out way because we are soulmates and love each other in the most profound way.
    -Michael NYC

    Reply
    • Nicole May 29, 2019, 1:50 pm

      Michael,
      Hello, I am so sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend are struggling. It is great that you have studied Gottman – they have done the research, but sometimes it is not the right information to help. Have you checked out my online workshop “How to stop being a bitch to the one you love”. It is a thorough exploration of this and is very practical and useful. You can grab a copy here, https://www.nicolemathieson.com/workshop.
      I hope it helps
      All the best
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Jackie Lynne Mc. June 23, 2019, 4:40 pm

    My husband and I have been together for twenty four years and my problem is,is that when I need to talk about anything within our relationship he always says he doesn’t want to talk about this right now and we literally never do !Ever!And I feel this is my #1 reason why I’m so bitchy to him…
    There’s always been THAT lack of communication and after all these years I’m so sick of it.

    Reply
    • Nicole Mathieson June 24, 2019, 11:09 am

      Jackie,
      Thank you so much for sharing this. I think this is the case for a lot of women. I can understand that this must be really infuriating for you.
      I am sure that this build-up of all the unsaid stuff and the resentment and the need to be heard and to repair, makes you boil over.
      What also becomes hard, is to approach the conversation gently because you are so infuriated. I know it might feel like you have done enough, but if you wanted to, you could take on the project of teaching him that repair is beneficial and safe. Can you assure him and gently guide him to believe that these conversations will be a safe space for him?
      Have you read my post on repair?
      I wish you all the very best of luck
      xN

      Reply
  • Payton Kelly July 5, 2019, 4:46 pm

    i want learn how to stop being a bitch to the guy i like cause he’s important to me.

    Reply
  • Angela August 3, 2019, 3:15 am

    My boyfriend and me started out amazing and truly in love. My mom told me I looked the happiest I ever have in my life. We went through a huge mess of stuff after I became pregnant and my ex husband tried to destroy our relationship. I was going through a custody battle with him and during that time my ex husband passed away. Me and my fiance fought hard and now we have our family together and we are in a good situation I can’t seem to be happy. I want to fight with him all the time and I get angry at him for not making enough money. We are able to pay all of our bills and get by but nothing extravagant after that. I was used to more with my ex husband but he didn’t really love me and cheated on me and actually turned to men. My fiance is a lot better to me then my ex husband was and now I think I just expect a certain lifestyle. I don’t want to hurt him because of my hurt inside. Your article made me feel better that I’m not the only one out there feeling this way.

    Reply
    • Nicole Mathieson August 5, 2019, 4:34 pm

      Hey Angela,
      It sounds like you have been through a lot. I am sorry to hear of all your struggles.
      I am glad the article gave you some hope. Be gentle with yourself and watch your expectations honey, you can get there, this awareness is the first step.
      Wishing you all the very best of luck.
      Take care
      Nicole

      Reply
  • Mcknight September 18, 2020, 11:50 am

    Im 24 With A 25 Year Old Guy Friend Idk I Keep Being So Mean To Him And He Is So Nice To Me Because of Me Saying Mean Things To Him To Make Him Feel Bad But I Really Don’t Mean It . I Do This To Every Nice Dude And I Really Don’t Be Meaning To Do So . I Had Really Bad Awful Awful Relationships In My Past And Some Times I Think Every Nice Dude That Comes My Way Is Going To Turn On Me Sooner Or Later. I Get Mad As Hell When He Like Another Bitch Picture On Instagram . Maybe I Do Need To Seek Help

    Reply
    • Nicole Mathieson October 13, 2020, 6:09 pm

      Hi Mcknight,
      This is not a nice feeling is it? It makes sense that you would be careful and protective if you had some bad experiences. I wish you all the very best
      Nicole

      Reply

“Remember that true growth is always marked by increased openness and ability to love.” David Deida

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