Every couple has certain moments in their life / routine / rituals, that create and cause tension.

I call these “Hotspot” moments.

Hotspot moments are tricky and uncomfortable times for any couple that are historically likely to combust into relational tension or a fight. Every. Single. Time. But we all have to navigate difficult moments in relationships, so we better get good at it.

 

Here are some examples of difficult to navigate (hotspot) moments.

– You argue every time you are packing for a holiday → hotspot
– Whenever your in-laws come for dinner, you have different ways to deal with them and it causes tension → hotspot
– Parties always end in a fight as one of you goes off and socializes and the other is left feeling jilted → hotspot

Life, would you agree, is full of potential hotspot moments.

But, if you are like most of the population, you just step straight into the hotspot, in the same old way, and see the same old thing play out. You kind of feel helpless to have any other result, which feels stuck and a bit shit.

 

So, let’s not just walk straight into the Hotspot anymore.

Instead: let’s try something different.

And this may sound just too simple, but this is my suggestion.

Communicate the potential for stress to your partner.

I suggest you talk to you partner before the “hotspot”. Tell them your concern for rupture, not from blame, not from criticism, but just from a place of letting them know your struggle with these moments. Tell them the ways that it makes you feel and that you would like to navigate it differently.

Our partners may be very happy to do things differently. In fact, a lot of the time they are keen to avoid the Hotspot, just as much as you and have better outcomes as a result. (If not, perhaps you need to tackle some communication and connection issues first, or come to couple therapy!)

 

So why aren’t they helping avoid it already?

For the same reason you are not. We are in our default mode of operating. And we will continue to do it the same way unless a different idea comes along.

Which is what you can offer.

Don’t wait for them to do something.

Let’s not approach this relationship as if you are testing your partner’s awareness of tension. That behavior is totally understandable but is not working for you. In fact, that behavior is unfair on both of you and comes into the range of what we will be exploring next year in B$tch Club.

 

So do not navigate difficult moments by..

– Testing their awareness and initiation of change
– Becoming a martyr and doing everything yourself
– Being resentful and passive-aggressive
– Being critical
– Or even just being too overwhelmed to be present and centred…

 

Create a whole new way of navigating these difficult moments from a place of self-compassion.

Say for example, “Honey, whenever we pack to go on holidays, we tend to argue. For me, I think I am just so overwhelmed from all the things I have to do that I get snappy. I find this so stressful. I am wondering, if you would be willing to try and do it differently this time?”

Hopefully, they say, “Sure.”

And you think of ways you can do things differently, together.

This gives you and your partner the opportunity to scaffold those hard moments. Get the support you both need. Give it your time and energy before you walk straight back into the old way of doing things.

 

Do navigate these difficult moments by..

-Having a conversation about their potential to cause tension, beforehand
-Being compassionate to both yourself and your partner and the things you find stressful
-Getting help from a professional
-Setting an intention to do them differently
-Slowing down and taking a breath
-If things do get heated, taking a time out, and trying my Self Soothe After Rupture meditation.

 

As Einstein says,  “You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.”

 

FAQs

Q: Why do arguments get out of hand?

A: Arguments can escalate quickly when parts of us want to protect us from further hurt or pain. They arc up and take over our system and our partner’s parts are doing the same. This is when emotions run high, misunderstandings occur and when individuals feel attacked or unheard. Factors such as stress, fatigue, or past unresolved conflicts can contribute to arguments getting out of hand. Practicing self soothing (such as my self-soothe after rupture meditation), good communication and taking a respectful time out can help prevent escalation.

 

Q: What is the best line to end an argument?

A: There isn’t a one-size-fits-all line to end an argument, but some effective phrases include: “I understand your perspective,”  or  a good time out such as, “Let’s take a break and revisit this later.” The key is to show empathy, understanding, and a willingness to put your relationship above being right.

 

Q: Why does my partner walk out when we argue?

A: Walking out during an argument can be a coping mechanism for your partner to avoid further confrontation or emotional distress. It may indicate that they feel overwhelmed or unable to communicate effectively in that moment. Giving each other space and discussing the issue calmly later can help address this behavior.

 

Q: What is the 3 day rule after an argument?

A: The 3 day rule after an argument suggests giving each other three days to cool off and reflect before discussing the issue again. This allows both parties to gain perspective, process their emotions, and approach the conversation with a clearer mind and a more constructive attitude

 

Q: Why do I always find fault in my husband?

A: Constantly finding fault in your husband may be a sign of underlying dissatisfaction or unmet expectations in the relationship. It can also result from personal insecurities or stress. Identifying the underlying issues and discussing them openly with your partner can improve the relationship.

 

Q: Why am I so irritable towards my husband?

A: Irritability towards your partner can be caused by so many things; stress, fatigue, unresolved conflicts, or personal issues. It’s a really good idea to reflect on where it is coming from within you, gather your awareness, recognize the triggers and find ways to manage your own stress. Healthy communication, self-care, and possibly seeking support from a therapist can help alleviate the irritability.