How to feel sexy without changing a thing

me on the stairs, relationship coach for women

Do you feel sexy?

In the past I never felt that sexy.

But now something has changed. In fact, at this point in my life I am sexier than I have ever been and it has nothing to do with how I look.

Read on to find out what changed for me.

Or listen in below.


When I was younger, I felt awkward and gangly in my body which didn’t fill me with sultry vibes.

I also felt uncomfortable with the whole idea of being a ‘sexy women’. Sexy was a state that either felt taboo and naughty, or out of control and likely to get me into situations I didn’t really want to be in (like it did when I was younger and had drunk too much!)

I thought being a sexy woman meant;

  • having a beautiful body, the kind you see on billboards
  • having a voluptuous figure with curves in all the right places
  • a willingness to do anything and everything on the sexual menu
  • beautiful yet revealing clothes
  • getting attention from others
  • and if all that failed……Being turned on by others (or should I say relying on others to turn me on, aka my husband)

No wonder I didn’t feel like I could claim sexy. None of those things were me or were in my power.

But me not claiming sexy was starting to feel like a block in my intimate relationship. I felt held back, resistant and my libido was not all that perky.

So, several years ago, I started stepping in to my sexiness or at least exploring it. The process brought up loads of pain, resistance and the need for healing and support but it was worth it. Do you know why?

Because now, I feel sexy.

And because I feel sexy, I am sexy. The thing is, I am still none of those things in the list above. Turns out that I was just working off the wrong definition of sexy.

I feel sexy now because I am;

  1. Not scared
    I am not scared of my sexuality. I accept my desires, all of them. I am not scared of sex anymore.
  2. I know myself
    I know what I love, I know what works for me, I know what I don’t like. I know where I am willing to go and where I am not.
  3. Boundaried
    I do not have to do anything I don’t want to do. I back myself and stand firm in my “yes” and my “no”. (NB: A big reason I am not scared)
  4. Adventurous
    I am comfortable in my sexuality which means that I am ready to open my heart, my mind and body to new adventures.
  5. Sensitive
    I have my areas of sensitivity around sex and I communicate to my husband what I need rather than try to hide them. I look after these sensitive parts of me and allow them to guide us.
  6. I love who I am
    Not because my life is perfect and I never make mistakes. Hell no!! I love the spirit of who I am and this body that gets to live life.


Feeling sexy is not about needing the perfect look, weight, clothes or responses. It is not about needing the perfect concoction of signals from my man or other people. It is about being really honest about what brings me alive.

And my libido, thrives when I feel sexy.
Before, I relied on my partner to feel sexy. Now, my sexiness has much less to do with him doing, saying or thinking anything. I create this feeling. Any signals I get from him are a bonus.

Now I feel sexy from within myself. I feel it in my cells. It courses through my veins and moves my body. It is reliant on me tuning in to it but on nobody else which is a lot more reliable and empowering.

So what can you do to feel more sexy?

  1. Ditch your definition
    Perhaps your definition of sexy, like mine, is not working for you. What would feel like a better definition of sexy for you?
  2. Face the fear
    If you have sensitivities, past pain, shame or resistance in the realm of sex, your body or relationships, perhaps it is time to gently and lovingly turn towards it and offer it your curiosity and support. If this feels daunting to do on your own, get help with a relationship coach or counsellor.
  3. Know yourself
    What do you love? What turns you on? What doesn’t work for you? When do you feel sexy (doesn’t have to be sex related!! Eg.I feel sexy diving in the ocean)
    Want to hear that again?

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Nicole Mathieson

Hi, I'm Nicole Mathieson, a relationship and body image coach, couple therapist and author.

My relationships blog helps couples learn practical ways to cultivate a deeper understanding of one another, find safety and connection in relationships, navigate difficult conversations and repair after conflict.