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My partner won’t go to counselling, what should I do?

 

If your partner won’t go to counselling, I feel for you. This is a frustrating situation to be in. You, no doubt, see that your relationship is in trouble and you want to save it by doing the most obvious thing available to you, yet your partner adds, it seems, insult to injury and refuses. You are left feeling more hopeless than ever about the future of your relationship.

Clearly, this is a big problem. But, if you feel like the relationship is worth saving (it feels safe and there is a foundation of connection), don’t despair. There is hope.

In this post I answer the questions; why are our partner’s so resistant? And what are your options?

Before we get started, let me reassure you. Firstly, you are not alone in this, and secondly, you are not crazy in thinking that you have a problem that needs help even though your partner can’t see it.

Your partner has their reasons for not wanting to go to therapy and perhaps understanding these can help you find a little bit of hope.

Here are 5 reasons they do not want to go to counselling.

1. They don’t see the big problem

There is often one partner in a relationship that holds the emotional load, they are the regulators of the relationship. This means that they are the ones who tend to manage the emotional well-being of the relationship/family. Thus, they are the first to see/feel the problem and to want to do something about it. Very often in heteronormative relationships, the person holding the emotional load and seeing the problem is the woman and the person more skilled in enduring discomfort is often the man.

Enduring discomfort is a very important skill, but unfortunately in the realm of relationship, it can create more hurt, as it often feels like a lack of care.

The statistics show that when couples do finally get to couple counselling they are generally 4 years too late. So, while the reticent partner may be dragging their heals, the statistics say that the one wanting to go to therapy is most probably right and it is time for therapy.

2. They are intimidated by exploring their emotions

Exploring emotions is not something that is encouraged in our culture in general and most of us were parented by people that were very uncomfortable with their emotions. The likelihood is that your partner was shamed out of their emotions as a kid which means that sharing or being in touch with emotions was made to feel wrong, weak and shameful.

The idea of going to counselling forwho have been shamed, is terrifying. When we ask our partner to share emotions, we are asking them to choose what seems dangerous. 

Quite possibly your partner’s only experience of exploring emotions, unless they have done some inner work, is being made a fool of, told they were weak, and (if male) being emasculated.

It is important for us to remember just how vulnerable this is, especially for our men, when being strong is seen as being invulnerable.

3. They are on the back foot

The fact that you are the one who wants to go to counselling first, puts them on the back foot.

This is your idea; you are happy with it. It scares the shit out of your partner – which makes them feel like they are already on the back foot and you have all the power. Counselling is the realm of the unknown– your partner may have no idea what to expect. Also, as it is your idea, they might feel like they will be ganged up on by your people.

4. They are defensive

You telling your partner that you want to go to couples counselling feels akin to you telling them that they have screwed up. The little kid inside them likely feels like they are in trouble; have done something wrong, is being criticised and it puts them (again) on the defensive.

When we are defensive, we are not open to input. A defensive stance is natural. As humans, it is our job to protect ourselves and keep us safe from attack but when your partner is defensive they are closed off. They will not be able to hear your points or your reasons.

In order for an idea like this to be taken on board, your partner would need to feel safe and supported first. Acknowledging where they are, and how they see things will help them feel safer.

5. Therapy is seen as the last resort

If your partner is dragging their heals it is quite likely that they see counselling as something to do only when the situation is dire and catastrophic. You may be thinking, “Yes! But this is dire and catastrophic!”.

You may feel like you have told them how much your are struggling. You have been hinting, but they don’t really know the truth of how important this is for you and your relationship. Perhaps it is time to get the point across in a way that they really can hear.

6. They are old school

Not so long ago, especially in Australia, the idea of going to counselling or therapy was a sign of weakness. This is changing (thank God) but therapy can still have a stigma about it.

Perhaps your partner is terrified of what people would say if they found out. Could a simple confidentiality pact do the trick?

 

So there you have, 5 reasons your partner may be uncomfortable with the idea of therapy. The next question is, what can help?

Here are 5 things to try to help the situation.

What should you do?

1. To give or not to give an Ultimatum
   In my opinion, ultimatums are a powerful tool but should only be used as a last straw and only if you really mean it. For some, the shock of, “If you don’t come to counselling with me, this is over!” is enough to wake them up and get them to the therapy room.
2. Reframe
   If the concept of “therapy” doesn’t appeal to your partner. Could you brainstorm together to find something that could work for you both? Approaching it as a team could help them feel more involved in the process and less on the back-foot.
   One client of mine found a work around with her partner who was closed to therapy but open to the “team building” idea.
3. Empathy
   Offer your partner understanding. Give them time, love and acceptance. The whole experience of making this decision could be a bonding, getting to know you experience. It is easy to get mad, but that doesn’t help. Instead get curious about them, their fears and values and why they are so against it.
4. Other forms of support
   There are so many great resources out there to help couples. Books, podcasts and online courses to name a few. Exploring these is something you could do together that may not feel so scary.
   Check out my my ‘do together’ couples communication course, “The 5 big communication mistakes that couples make and how to avoid them”.
5. Take responsibility for your part
   You are 50% of this couple. Sure, your partner is not perfect, but neither are you. If you do your part; take responsibility, heal your wounds, learn communication skills and shift your energy input to the relationship, you can change a lot. Yes, ideally you would go to therapy together, but there is another way. I coach individuals to transform their relationships by guiding them to bring out the best in themselves and their partners. There is so much you can do without needing them needing to be involved.

I know that being in the position of having an unwilling partner is not a nice place to be. You want to feel like you are both invested in making this work.

I hope this post has given you some hope and guidance for how to navigate this tricky patch and bring out the best in both of you.

If you know someone who could be helped by reading this post, please feel free to share it with them. If you need more help or guidance in this, drop me an email.

Take care

Nicole