How do I calm down in an argument?
How to Calm Down in an Argument and Avoid Regrets
Do you find it hard to calm down in an argument? Do you ever regret what you say or do in the heat of the moment?
Getting angry and having disagreements with our partners are normal and natural parts of intimacy. Problems arise, however, when we say rash things, stir things up, and do damage in the heat of the moment, which we then later regret.
Why We Make Poor Choices During Arguments
When we are feeling triggered, flushed with emotion, afraid, angry, resentful, or unsupported… we do not tend to make the best choices for our relationships. While your feelings may be valid and your points hold some truth, the best thing to do when your emotions are on high is to take a step back, breathe, and calm yourself down. Use my self-sooth after rupture meditation to help you in these moments. The talking, reasoning, and reassessing can come later.
What Not to Do When Emotions Are High
Moments of heightened emotions are _not_ the time to:
– Try to figure anything out
– Make decisions
– Come to any conclusions
– Or even try to communicate—just don’t!
Put simply, your upset part has switched your brain into fight-or-flight mode, and you no longer have the cortical capacity to be intelligent and reasonable. Generally speaking, you need 20-40 minutes to go from “fight or flight mode” to a calm and functioning state where you remember that you care about this person. I delve deeper into the art of respectful communication in my online course for couples, “Safe and Connected Communication.”
How to Calm Down: 3 Steps
“So how do I calm down?” I hear you ask.
Try these three steps:
Step One: Pause and Take Yourself Away from the Discussion
Tell your partner you need a time out and that you would like to come back to this discussion later.
Step Two: Find Your Own Space and Shift Focus onto Calming Yourself Down
Go to another room, go for a walk, or take yourself somewhere peaceful. Focus your energies on breathing and noticing your sensations, _not_ your thoughts.
Step Three: Soothe Yourself
Be calming and nurturing to yourself. Find compassion for the part of you that is upset and be the one to offer this part of you support and calm.
I have made this meditation especially for these moments when you are triggered by your partner. Following the guidance in the meditation is a great way to calm down in heated moments.
You might also want to check out my collection of free meditations to help you navigate your emotions with more ease.
FAQs
How do you calm down when your partner triggers you in an argument?
To answer this, I would lead you back to the video embedded above…How to be less reactive with your partner. Here is the link again for you.
How do you stop fighting?
Take a time out. It is really hard to stop fighting when you are in your survival response part of your brain. The best thing to do is take a time out and come back to talk about things when you are back in the reasonable part of your brain.
Why does my partner make me so angry?
Often, our reactions are driven by past experiences and a primal need for safety. It’s important to recognize the good intent behind both their and your activated parts. These parts are not out to ruin your lives but are trying to keep you safe and comfortable. This understanding can shift our perspective and help us respond more calmly. Link to blog post
What you can do when you are so triggered by your partner?
One powerful metaphor I use is that of a bus, where you ask your upset part to move out of the driver’s seat and your “self” drives the bus. You activated part is invited to be a passenger and take a backseat. Doing this allows your healthy, wise adult self to take control, find curiosity and compassion and prevent the triggered part from taking over.
Nicole Mathieson
This article was written by Nicole Mathieson, a Brisbane based counsellor and couple therapist, who has a couple of podcasts and is the author of The Beauty Load, How to feel enough in a world obsessed with beauty.
Nicole helps men, women and couples get smarter, happier and more connected in their intimate relationships.
