Why do I feel angry when we are disconnected?

You can’t attack your partner into connection.
It came to me that this is what we do sometimes, when we crave connection.

We want to be close, intimate and deep.
Not feeling close can make us angry.

We feel so angry, that our attempts to get back to feeling close can be aggressive. We attack, test, punish, shame and guilt them….

And what is the response we get from our partners?
Retreat and defensiveness.

And why wouldn’t they? It is human nature to want to avoid aggression.

What if there is another way that works?

What if the way to connection was tobe vulnerable.
What if instead of “You don’t care about me”, we said “Honey, I’m scared. I don’t like feeling disconnected from you.”

Perhaps your anger, is not anger at all, is a deep yearning to be close.

We feel angry because we feel disconnected

 

This is something that the women I support in my therapy practice can relate to and benefit from. But, as with much of the guidance that I give to others, it has also been something that I too needed to be reminded of. As luck would have it, I had the opportunity to take my own advice in a small, but important way a few years back.

I had had a weekend away in Sydney and I was on my way home. It had been a great,  but exhausting weekend.

By Sunday evening, after a stressful race to the airport due to heightened security, I was absolutely shattered. I wanted to speak to my hubby and kids, to check in, touch base and make sure they were all safe and well. I wanted to feel their loving embrace even from afar….But my husband wasn’t answering his phone.

 

I called and called,  texted and stressed. But nothing!

In the end, I had to call my neighbour and ask her to go get him to call me. It was perfectly innocent, his phone had been on silent, he had been busy looking after the kids, and he thought he shouldn’t call until after the weekend had finished. But in my exhausted brain it was turning into a story of abandonment.

 

When I finally did get to speak to him, the exhaustion and fragility of the scared little girl in me wanted to have a full-on tantrum. “Why didn’t you call me?” aka “Why don’t you care enough about me?”.

Fortunately, I paused and didn’t say that.

In that moment, my wise adult voice told me to breathe. I knew that I had a choice. I could express my want and need to connect by attacking him, which would most likely result in the exact thing I didn’t want – disconnection, or I could be real & vulnerable and actually connect.

 

It wasn’t the warmest phone call, but it was a very positive one because instead of raging off and having a tantrum, I chose to be vulnerable.

“Are you okay honey, you sound pissed off?” he asked.

Long pause….”I am just really, really tired” I responded. “And perhaps a little anxious too but I can’t wait to see you.”

“Can’t wait to see you, too,” he replied. “You’ll be home soon.”

 

Getting home was sweet. I was able to collapse into his arms and be swiftly tucked into bed. How would my night have been had I chosen to rant? Probably, very different.

Of course, I am not saying that you should never let off steam or have a good foot stomping tantrum. There are times when they may be just the right thing to do. What I am saying is that we have choices, and if you can get to the vulnerable root of why you are feeling a particular way, your relationship will benefit from expressing that, instead of the niggly surface emotion that lets off the steam.

Do you feel angry when you are disconnected? Do you love a good tantrum in your relationship? Do you have trouble stopping yourself from having one? Are tantrums your way of reaching for connection? Check out my 5 big communication mistakes course to help.

If you need support on this, check out my relationship focussed counselling sessions here.