Do you ever catch your reflection and hear that mean, critical voice in your head? The one that tells you you’re not thin enough, young enough, pretty enough—in essence, that you are basically just not enough? If you do, that sucks. I am so sorry you feel that way. I want you to know though, that you are not alone.

As a counsellor, I’ve discovered that nearly every single woman that walks through my therapy doors has these moments of harsh self-judgment. For some, “I hate my body” thoughts are a constant, for others it is just a critical moment that circles around. The irony is, whether you have these thoughts or these moments does not depend on how you look. No matter how you look on the surface, these thoughts are not a result of a reality of you not being enough. These thoughts are, however, because we’ve been conditioned to feel and think this way.

I want you to know that even though we have been conditioned to feel this way, we do not have to stay stuck in this cycle of I hate my body thoughts and self-criticism. There is a path out, and it starts with cultivating a kinder, more compassionate inner voice.

In this post, I’ll show you why we feel this way, what the “Beauty Load” really is, and how self-compassion can help you rebuild confidence, body acceptance and a rest from the inner critic (Hallelujah to that!).

 

A Moment That Stopped Me in My Tracks

I still remember sitting across from a client—let’s call her Anna—who told me, with tears in her eyes, that amongst other things, she hadn’t been to the beach with her kids in years. Years!! Not because she didn’t want to, she loved the beach, the kids loved the beach, they all really wanted to go. She didn’t go, however, because she couldn’t bear the thought of being seen in a swimsuit. She told me, “I hate how I look so much that I can’t bear the thought of going.” The fear of being judged for her body was stronger than her desire to give her kids the experience of playing in the waves with their mum.

As I listened to her, I felt this deep ache in my chest. I realised how many of us are quietly, painfully opting out of life, fun and things we otherwise want to experience because we believe we don’t “look pretty enough.” I thought of all the times I had done the same. I don’t want this for me, my kids or for any other woman on the planet. This has to change.

 

Why We’re So Mean to Our Bodies

The sheer amount of body shame and doubt I see in my counselling practice is staggering and heartbreaking. I see that we become so judgey and critical toward ourselves that we forget our true worth and our goodness. We start to believe the lie that we’re unlovable unless we “fix” ourselves. The end result? Insecurity runs rampant, and our confidence shrinks.

Many women I speak to confess they have entire conversations with themselves about how they look before even leaving the house. Some say, “I feel uncomfortable in my own body,” while others quietly wonder, “why do I hate my body so much?” They’ll stand in front of the mirror, picking apart every perceived “flaw,” and by the time they head out the door, their energy and joy have already been drained.

The voice in your head that says “I hate my body” is not your voice. It’s an echo of the thousands of messages you’ve been exposed to over the years—messages that have taught you to view your body as a problem to be fixed, rather than a vessel of life, strength, and beauty in its own right.

 

 

How the Beauty Load Shapes Our Thinking

From the time we were small, we’ve been bombarded with thousands of beauty-based messages every single day. Social media, advertising, films, magazines—all of them whisper (or scream) the same message: You’re not good enough as you are.

We’ve been told to buy products to “fix” our flaws. We’ve seen fatness and ageing shamed, diversity erased, and women’s bodies objectified and sexualised—only to have sexuality itself shamed. Add in the endless scrolling of social media, where everyone presents a filtered, curated life, and it’s no wonder we start first, believing our worth is entirely based on how we look and then, feeling anxious about how much our particular version of looks  measures up. 

Think about it: How many of your daily choices are made based on appearance? Have you ever:

• Avoided going to the beach because you were worried about how you’d look in a swimsuit? 

• Felt panic about being photographed because you didn’t feel “camera ready”? 

• Compared your body to a friend’s, a stranger’s, or someone on Instagram and walked away feeling deflated? 

If so, you’re not alone. These moments are evidence of the Beauty Load—that invisible yet heavy weight we all carry. The Beauty Load depletes us of energy that we pour into worrying about our appearance. And because it’s so deeply ingrained, we rarely question it or are even aware of it.

 

The Hidden Costs of “I Hate My Body” Thinking

I hate my body is not just a passing thought—it seeps into every corner of our lives. It steals our joy, silences our voices, and disconnects us from experiences we crave.

Here are a few ways it does this:

1. It Drains Our Confidence

   When we believe our worth is tied to how we look, we stop trusting ourselves and our innate goodness. This disconnects us from our inner being, our internal guidance system and our Self, which can cascade into a lack of confidence.

2. It Interferes with Intimacy

   I’ve spoken with countless women who feel body shame block them in their intimate moments. Some women avoid intimacy, cover themselves in bed, or even avoid relationships altogether. The thought “why do I hate my body?” becomes so loud that they can’t relax into connection. 

3. It Consumes Our Time and Money

   How many hours and dollars have you spent trying to fit in with the ever-changing beauty ideals? From dieting to skincare to make-up and clothes—this pursuit of perfection is insatiable.

4. It Damages Our Mental Health

   The constant mantra of “I hate how I look” feeds anxiety, depression, and feelings of unworthiness. For some, it even develops into more serious issues such as body dysmorphia or disordered eating.
   
   I explore all of this in more detail in my book The Beauty Load.
   
   

 

How Do We Overcome Self Criticism?

After writing my book The Beauty Load, working with clients to process body shame, and creating my course, From Insecurity to Body Confidence , I’ve worked out  the antidote to body hate and self criticism. Of course it is not contorting ourselves into a pretzel with passing fashion and body fads……. It  is self-compassion.

Self-compassion frees us from the suffocating pressure of the Beauty Load. It softens the harsh inner critic and creates room for kindness, confidence, and acceptance—so we can live our lives fully, without letting our looks hold us back from enjoying our lives or dictating our worth.

 

 

So, great, but how do we actually get self-compassionate to ourselves. 

Here is what to do;

Practical Steps to Build Self-Compassion:

• Catch Your Inner Critic – Notice the moments when you’re being cruel to yourself or even when you are telling yourself to get over it, it’s nothing (which is also not helpful), switch to some other thoughts such as a mantra or affirmation. Awareness is the first step. 
  
  
• Surround yourself with positive messages – Positive body messages are out there, you just have to go find it yourself. Check out my top 7 books for women to feel more confident. This is a great place to start.

• Ask, Would I Say This to a Friend? – Most of the things our inner critic says to us, we would never say to someone we love. Start replacing those harsh thoughts with supportive ones you would say to a friend in need. To explore self compassion in more detail, check out my online course. 

• Practice Body Neutrality – You don’t need to “love your body” right away. Start with gratitude for what your body allows you to do—walk, hug, breathe, dance and be alive. Here is my blog post “How to Feel Beautiful: 7 Tips to Feel Better in Your Body and More Beautiful” 

• Limit Negative Input – Curate your social media feeds. Follow accounts that show real, diverse bodies and inspire you to feel good rather than compare. Check out my Beauty Load resources, for a whole list of books and media, that are a positive place to immerse yourself in.
  
  
• Find Your Safe Spaces – Spend time with people or in places where appearance isn’t the focus. Nature, creative spaces, or friends who value you for you.

 

Why Self-Compassion Works

When we respond to our upset or critical parts with kindness instead of judgment, we disrupt the cycle of I hate my body thoughts. Research shows that self-compassion improves emotional resilience, lowers stress, and builds self-confidence.

The harsh inner critic, the part that says “you’re fat” or “you’re not good enough,” doesn’t actually hate you—it’s trying to protect you from possible rejection or shame. But in reality, it’s keeping you stuck.

Self-compassion allows us to step into what IFS calls the Self—our calm, wise, compassionate core. From this place, we can turn toward these critical parts with curiosity and care. We can ask, What are you afraid of? What do you need from me? And as we do, we realise that these parts are not enemies but wounded protectors.

This is why self-compassion works: because it offers safety, not punishment, to the parts of us that need healing. It creates inner safety, which reconnects us to our inner being, builds trust in our Self, and is the foundation of real, lasting body confidence.

 

 

Explore This More

This article is just touching the surface to point you in the right direction. If you feel your inner critic and the parts of you that feel hate towards your body are running your life, I recommend grabbing my book, the Beauty Load, how to feel enough in a world obsessed with beauty . In The Beauty Load, I help you untable from the conditioning, reconnect you to what really matters, and find ways to create an inner world that is kind and compassionate.

 

 

FAQs on Body Hate

How do I deal with thinking “I hate my body”?
Start by recognising that I hate my body is not a personal truth but a symptom of cultural conditioning. Instead of fighting the thought, meet it with self-compassion. Journaling, therapy, and body-neutral practices can help you shift your relationship with yourself.

Why do I hate my body so much?
Often it’s not really about your body—it’s about comparison, unrealistic beauty standards, and years of conditioning. The culture we live in makes almost every woman feel “not enough.” Remember: it’s not your body that’s broken, it’s the system.

Why do I hate my body, even when others say I look fine?
Because the inner critic doesn’t measure truth—it measures fear. Many women tell me, “I feel uncomfortable in my own body,” no matter what reassurance they get from others. This disconnect is a learned response, and it can be unlearned with compassion and support.

Is saying “I hate how I look” the same as body dysmorphia?
Not always. It’s common to have moments of looking in the mirror and thinking, “I hate how I look.” But if these thoughts become obsessive or interfere with daily life, it may be body dysmorphia. In that case, professional support is really important.

How do I stop feeling so bad about my body?
Begin with small steps. Instead of aiming for “I love my body,” try moving toward body neutrality and self-respect. Replace I hate my body thoughts with gratitude for what your body allows you to do—walk, hug, breathe, laugh. Over time, kindness grows louder than criticism.