What is the deeper reason that I get so triggered and angry with my partner?
Sometimes our relationships (our partners) can make us feel so angry. Filled with resentment, annoyance, irritation and hateful thoughts.
We wonder what is wrong with us, them..... our relationship.
N.B. While this post is not suggesting your partner is a saint, it is presuming they are not abusive. If you are experiencing violence or abuse that is not okay. Get help here if you are in Aus.
Listen to the post below
Stop this pattern of getting angry at your partner with my 3 steps to stop being a bitch.
It is easy to blame our anger on the stressed out pace of life we live; work, kids and pressure from every direction. Of course we are going to have moments when we blow our tops!!
Is it such a problem? Well no, from time to time this is not a huge problem, especially if you are practicing the art of repair.
The problem is when we get stuck in angry, bitch mode as it corrodes the good feeling of the relationship, creating a lack of safety and trust between you and your partner that can be hard to rebuild.
To have the good feeling, loving relationship we all want, we need to interrupt the anger and stop the build-up of resentment. To do that we need to take a closer look at the real reasons we get so angry.
Let’s ask ourselves the deeper why:
“Why do I really get so triggered and angry at my partner?”
Your EGO may jump on this, giving you the easy road out with the blame game; "He is not doing _____, (fill in the blank) he is so disconnected (or whatever adjective you want to put in there) etc."
But before you get lost in your stories of woe with this, just pause for a moment, take a deep breath and soften into your heart.
Trust me here.
The stories of woe and blaming him do not help you grow. They keep you small and trapped. So, let’s get past that response.
If we are not pointing the finger at him and we are not lost in our stories then what is the deeper why?
Create the space for the answer to come. Breathe, be still.
The answer may start like this; I get so angry at my partner because I am afraid of_______________
Take some time here. Brainstorm it out. Journal, meditate or just take a moment.
We all have a deeper fear at play.
A response might arise such as;
- I'm afraid he doesn’t respect me
- I'm afraid I am stuffing this marriage thing up
- I'm afraid he is bored with me
- I'm afraid he is not hearing my needs
- I'm afraid he might leave me
- I'm afraid he doesn't care about me
And what is beneath these fears, if we shine a light deep into our soul? It is most likely the age-old fear of;
I am not enough.
Now, that you got there, let yourself feel this fear. Don’t rush off now. This is where it starts shifting. Let yourself feel your discomfort.
If you have been working with me or another coach, you will know what to do with your fear, if not, Here’s what to do;
1. Acknowledge the feeling
You can say to yourself “I am feeling afraid" (or whatever the feeling is)
Go one step further and say "And that's okay". It is okay and totally understandable to feel this way in this situation.
2. Breathe deeply
Your breath is the most powerful influence you have over your nervous system. Calming yourself down now can change the way you respond to this in the future.
Imagine your breath is like a massage for your fear or discomfort.
Trust that you are able to feel this. Feeling the fear releases you from being stuck in horrible behaviour. Trust that your heart is more than capable of feeling this.
So, let's get clear;
You get angry at your partner, the one you love and care about because you fear that you are not enough.
In other words: Getting close to this other human makes you feel unworthy of love and has you lash out to protect yourself from future pain.
Breathe. It is okay. This deep truth is so very human. By that I mean. We all feel it. You are not alone. Take some comfort in the communality of this.
This realisation is your invitation to healing.
This old pattern of getting angry is not really working as your sub-conscious had planned. Your sub-conscious wanted to keep you safe. But when we see it like this, it is kind of counter intuitive. Anger and lashing out is actually taking you further from the safety, connection and love that you truly desire. Not closer to it.
This pattern is (most likely) not about your partner.
You have got to stop blaming it on him. This is about you trusting that you are worthy to be loved.
Now you know this, you can take it with you the next time you feel yourself wanting to scream, yell or blame him. When you feel yourself slipping into the chasm of nasty comments and turning your back on him, pause and breath. This is your fear and you don’t have to react like this, you could choose to be with your fear.
Instead of jumping in and getting angry, let yourself feel the fear.
Feeling the fear will help you to get unstuck. Instead of getting bitchy, get soft. You will start to see a way to look after yourself in this fear. Fear is your system asking for love and safety, not from others but from you.
You may even feel that you could communicate this to your partner, getting open and vulnerable and allowing this to be a connection opportunity.
Right here, in the moment of most tension when you open to your fear is where transformation happens. It is these otherwise dark moments, that create the space for changes to take place.
You, being able to pause and feel the fear will transform your relationship.
You are elevating this relationship one breath and one conscious moment at a time.
Who doesn’t want to be with someone who can transform their own fear into a healing and connection opportunity?
This alone makes you attractive and magnetic and worthy of love.
At the deepest level, know that you are enough. Not as a mother/ hard worker / wife.... (insert role/profession/ stereotype) but as the beautiful, big hearted being that you are.
You are ENOUGH right now.
- Practice pausing and being with your discomfort with the small stuff e.g. You stub your toe or forget to buy milk. Pause and breathe. Get my guided audio; self-soothe after rupture.
- Get my 3 steps to stop being a bitch to your partner to interrupt this habit.
- Join my online workshop “How to stop being a bitch to the one I love”
Didn't quite catch that?
Here it is in audio form for you to have a listen.