Clear out your relationship negativity

release resentment, relationship coach for woman, negativity

I get asked all the time, “How can I reconnect to my partner?”

I love this question; in fact, I feel like this is the question on which all my work is based.

Reconnecting was what I did with my partner several years ago when we were feeling disconnected and it is something, we continue to work on to have the best relationship possible.

Our relationships start off so connected, so clear, and so inquisitive…. and then after years and years of being together something gets lost. You start to feel disconnected. You start to disengage and feel frustrated and you start to lose your passion for your partner.

How can we get that connection (and that passion) back?

There are lots of ways to reconnect and lots of activities, skills and practices to try but the first step is to clear out the negativity.

None of the reconnecting practices are going to work until you have done this. They just won’t penetrate or have any impact.

Clearing the negativity that is blocking our connection is one of the simplest and cleanest ways for us to reconnect with our partners.

Negativity refers to anything in your relationship from the past that is unresolved. It could be hurt, disappointment, anger, frustration, sadness or resistance. In our relationships the unresolved stuff acts like a screen that blocks us from truly seeing, connecting and engaging with our partners. It sits there, big and heavy  in our way.

John Gottman from the Gottman institute, calls resentment; negative sentiment override. He sees it as one of the main starting points of relationship failure. Negative sentiment override is what happens when we get so filled up with negativity that we can’t see our partner, what we love about them or the good that they are offering us. We are so focussed and tuned in to seeing the negativity that we have this override, this negative filter on.

That is what resentment does.

Clearing out resentment means that you have a clean start.

I love that crowded house lyric “All I ask is to live each moment free from the last”

In long term relationships, if we could live each moment free from the last, we could respond rather than react. Just like we did when we first got together, in a connected, curious way rather than from hurt.

Clearing out resentment means clearing out all that unresolved hurt, all that anger, all that frustration, all the disappointment, all the sadness. All the emotion that is just sitting there like a heavy weight. It is not going to release itself, so we take matters into our own hands.

We release. We forgive. We repair. We seek understanding and then we scaffold against it reoccurring.

The above is basically what we are going to do in my online workshop – Release resentment, happening on 12th June. You can buy a ticket and join in live or grab a ticket and watch it anytime.

We are going to dive really deep into how to clear out your relationship negativity and how to maintain and keep it clear. Grab your ticket here.

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Nicole Mathieson

Hi, I'm Nicole Mathieson, a relationship and body image coach, couple therapist and author.

My relationships blog helps couples learn practical ways to cultivate a deeper understanding of one another, find safety and connection in relationships, navigate difficult conversations and repair after conflict.