How I kept my cool with my man
How I kept my cool with my misbehaving, hairy man.
The 2 things that dissolved my angst.
After having held one of my Sensual Soul Workshops one Saturday, I was heading home feeling light, soft, present and open – in essence sensual.
I had just spent the day with a group of gorgeous courageous souls and together we communally let go of our need to be perfect and welcomed our more natural, honest self. Just letting ourselves be. It was such a blessed relief.
When I returned home that soggy Saturday evening and walked in the door, however, I came face to face with a scene that normally would have had me spiralling into a fuming, resentful state.
It was 7pm and my children were snacking on crackers. “Is this dessert?” I asked, “No we haven’t had dinner yet” they replied. My husband as it turns out had been literally sleeping on the job. Dinner was still an hour away. If you are a mum, you might just get why this could spiral me into crankiness. Maybe you don’t get it and I am really happy for you if that is the case. I have to admit, that in all my healing and processing, this old patterning of slipping into annoyance when my husband seems to make too little effort, has been one of the hardest things to shift.
I normally would have been pissed off, it would have felt personal. I would have had thoughts flirting with my mind such as;
– he hasn’t made enough effort to help
– he hasn’t given the children enough attention
– he hasn’t cared enough about my needs or what I would want
– he has just looked after himself ( I know! How dare he! J)
But you know what? This time it was fine.
I didn’t feel annoyed at all. I felt empowered.
How can I truly honour my own needs and not get that he needs to honour his too?
Dinner, when it came, was nice. Hubby was happy. We all got to eat together. He was totally unaware of the annoyance potential of this scene. The kids were tired but they didn’t have a problem with it either.
I could feel myself scanning for my old patterns but it just wasn’t there. What a relief. I was able to choose to be present. I was able to choose how I responded.
And the shift, I believe, came from these 2 things;
1. Sensual Soul Workshop fire ceremony
As part of the workshop we collected limiting, stifling, outdates beliefs about ourselves. All those lies that we had been telling ourselves, all the bullshit that we have absorbed and swallowed, all that does not serve us anymore. We laid them all out around our sacred circle.
I invited the sensual souls to feel the truth of every single one of the limitations whether they had written it or not. To find their own truth in it all. Let these be universal truths.
Then, later on in the evening as the sun was setting, we gathered up all the bullshit we had been living and one by one we read them out, and added them to the fire. Watching them go up in smoke.
Beliefs such as;
I am not sexy
I am not worthy of love
I am ugly
I can’t be accepted if I am not thin
And then these ones;
I need to stick to structure
I need to be perfect
I have to be in control
So as I sat down to dinner at 8pm with my exhausted children, I had those words in my minds eye, and I could see them going up in smoke.
I was letting go of needing to be perfect and structured and in control. I felt the thoughts float away on the breeze.
It reminded me of the old question “do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?”
Perhaps to my mother instincts, feeding my kiddies dinner at 8pm is wrong. But it is not going to hurt anyone and I can choose….. and I chose to feel happy.
2. My husband is not a hairy misbehaving woman
He is in fact a man. He sees things differently, he approaches things differently and to appreciate him I need to see him through a different filter. A filter that has been illuminated for me by the book “The Queen’s Code” by Alison Armstrong.
This book has cracked my mind open and suggested that I have been seeing my husband and myself through the filter of the perfect woman, and that it is nearly impossible for either of us to measure up, dooming us to failure. Have I been seeing men as misbehaving, hairy women? It is quite possible.
While reading this book, I have been looking across to my husband with tears in my eyes as I see how I have misinterpreted him in so many ways for so many years. I have been letting out heart felt sobs of affection and reconnection.
He is built for focus. He is a provider. All those times I have got cranky with him for not making an effort to do things that for me are glaringly obvious, he has not even noticed. Instead he is busily working away on some project that he hopes will benefit me and the family.
When I look at him as a man. I reignite the attraction dynamic the sparks deep in my loins. He seems all the more masculine. And him not having dinner on the table is not him misbehaving, it is not a reflection of a lack of love or care for me. In fact it is just not a freakin problem at all.
It just is.
He was doing other things.
If I want him to help, I just need a slightly more appealing approach for the way he is wired.
He just is.
He is all the man I want and need.
Me being cool with it (him being him) feels joyous and empowered.
I am choosing the feel good option which nourishes my inner world.
So how about you?
Are there some limiting or bullshit beliefs that you have been living by that it is time to burn?
Here’s what to do. Grab a pad and start writing out your limiting beliefs. Collect a whole wad. then in the next new moon, go outside and find a safe place to start a fire. Read out your beliefs, feel their tension and then feed them to the fire. Watch them go up in smoke.
When you are done – take a few deep breaths in and sigh out.
Feel in to your centre and your heart. What has shifted?
Do you see men (and possibly your man) as a hairy misbehaving women?
Read this book; The Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong
Become aware of how often your quest for perfection, for you or your partner gets in the way of being light and joyful. If you are expecting him to be perfect I can assure you, you are putting this pressure right on yourself too. Maybe, in the scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter that much and you could choose joy or lightness instead.
I wish you luck in your explorations,
I would love to hear from you in the comments.
Hi, I'm Nicole Mathieson, a relationship and body image coach, couple therapist and author.
My relationships blog helps couples learn practical ways to cultivate a deeper understanding of one another, find safety and connection in relationships, navigate difficult conversations and repair after conflict.