Moving from lacking to loving
My family and I recently had a holiday. Boy, did we need one? We were getting really crusty and worn out. It has been a year of hard work and busyness and my husband had not taken any time off work for a year, which is nudging at burn out and verging on craziness.
On a personal level I was doing just fine. My practice was just how I hoped it would be at this time, the kids and I were having fun, I was in a good place with my daily nurturing and self-care but something was missing….. My husband was working so hard that it felt like he was not giving anything to the family dynamic and I was feeling neglected and lonely.
Resentment was edging in and I felt like I couldn’t just keep giving. I was hopelessly focused on lack.
So the holiday seemed like the perfect opportunity to vent my woes. And yes! It just so happens that I was pre- menstrual at the time, coincidence – possibly not!
As I was venting and demonstrating my lack to my husband, it became clear to me that in fact his schedule was going to get even heavier for the next wee while and that actually I would be required to expect even less as far as attention, nurture and presence were concerned.
I also had a horrible realisation that my input to the dynamic was creating even more stress. There were the pressures of expectation and time looming over him, causing added stress, retraction and discomfort.
Following these discussions and insights I spent a day or two in heavy internal reflection. At about this time I had the fortune of starting my 21 day abundance meditation challenge through the Chopra Centre.
One of the first lessons in the meditation challenge was “Focus on what you want to create”. So I thought about this and decided I wanted to be able to give, support and nurture my family lovingly and generously. I meditated on this and it became my mantra for a few days.
I realised that I had this vision of myself as someone who was strong and competent and who could step up to the challenge when the shit hit the fan. You know those women who just seem to find the strength they need when things get tough and the situation turns from a drama into an enlightenment. Well, I was kind of thinking of myself as this strong woman, but here I was with a slight stress in the scheme of things– feeling resentment. All of a sudden it didn’t make any sense for me to be so focused on my neediness and lack when I had so much and so much to give. This was an opportunity to step up and be strong.
Something shifted for me then and its dissolution has had the most wonderful blossoming effect on the whole family. My negativity was stifling us all. Without it there is more love, more nurture and more support – not just from me but from my husband as well.
I am now finding that I feel a new freedom when my husband is busy. Instead of waiting around for him to be available I create our own adventures and connections. Where I was once aware of every minute the kids and I missed out on his company, we are now totally flexible and open to support him in whatever he needs so he can get past this chunk of work.
I now wake up with the mantra of “today I give lovingly and limitlessly”. Instead of whinging and feeling sorry for myself, I feel the bounds of giving starting to spread. I feel joyful and truly, truly grateful for the abundance in my life.