Honey, this is why we are not being intimate
A letter to your husband with the reason we are not being intimate aka: having (much) sex.
Read or listen below.
I just wanted to write and let you know a few things that I have been pondering about our sex life.
Firstly, I just wanted to acknowledge you. I know that our sex life is a frustrating area of our relationship for you. I acknowledge that for you, in an ideal world, we would be having sex lots more often. You try really hard to get it right for me, for us and I appreciate it.
I feel for you, I get why you are frustrated and confused and I would love to share more intimate moments with you, which is why we need this chat.
I would love to share with you the reason we are not having much sex.
Do you know why I don’t feel like sex a lot of the time?
I am sure you have pondered this question a lot. Perhaps you have put it down to a variety of conditions such as;
- Whether you are wearing your lucky undies or not
- The exact steps and in what order you take in your sexual advances
- The words you say or whisper into my ear
- Whether you have done the dishes or not
And sure, all of the above have some input.
I truly hope that you do not put it down to something like me not being attracted to you. I know it can seem like that at times, and to be honest sometimes my head tells me that is the case, but it is not the truth.The truth of why I sometimes don’t want sex is;
Well actually, there are 2 things
- I get suck in my headThe average day gets me more and more stuck in an uber controlled, logistical, organisational head space. I need to be so efficient and controlled just to get through.In my head space there is a right and a wrong, there is logical, there are judgements & there are lots of expectations.
It all feels like a long, long way away from my feelings, my body, my senses, my sensuality and above-all my sexiness.It always strikes me how easy this transition from head to body can be for you. For me, it feels like there is a big gaping abyss of numbness standing in the way.But I know now that there are ways to get there. Breathing, movement and a good old fashioned tickle fight can get me there. Are you keen to try some things out with me?
- I don’t feel connected to youThe thing is that when you touch me in a sexually inviting way, and I am already with you, it is amazing. But when we are not already connected, it feels like an afront.It is not even conscious. It is a knee-jerk response to save me from pain, rejection or something that my survival brain has connected this to.Being touched sexually when we are not connected brings back the trauma of all those times men and boys wanted me just for sex and then discarded me.It is not you. It is me, being a woman in our culture.
It is one of life’s challenges isn’t it? The ultimate dilemma between the masculine and feminine. The masculine finds connection through sex, the feminine needs connection to open to sex.For me, I need to feel safe. I need to feel like we are connected. I need to feel you touching me, and reaching for me (in any sense) before the bedroom.
Connection for me is a moment by moment thing. Just because we are in the room together does not mean we are connected. It is about the quality of presence and attention. It is feeling that you and I are in this together. That is what makes me want to open to you.I know this is different to what you need. I would love for you to let me know what that is so I can help you.
Let’s explore this together.
To more intimate moments between us,
Love your wife xx
Hi, I'm Nicole Mathieson, a relationship and body image coach, couple therapist and author.
My relationships blog helps couples learn practical ways to cultivate a deeper understanding of one another, find safety and connection in relationships, navigate difficult conversations and repair after conflict.