Why am I so mean to the one I love?

Why am I such a bitch to the one I love?

You thought you were the only one who was mean to their beloved. I’m afraid not. you are in good company.

The ones we love the most, cop it the most. I mean, it makes a lot of sense on so may levels. But sometimes we get stuck there in bitch mode, festering away without things getting better. Tis post aims to help you gain awareness around your relationship mean girl so that you can feel more in control of your reactions and then amp up your love life.

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So let’s get clear here, why are we being mean?

Here are some of the top reasons;

  • We are with this person A LOT
  • We are with them for the long haul (which puts pressure on it working)
  • Sometimes they are just idiots
  • There is often financial, time or other pressures on us both
  • We need to let off steam and we prefer to do it somewhere safe
  • Our emotional well-being is highly tied to our relationship
  • We are emotional, not to even mention hormonal, creatures
  • We have watched way too many fairy-tales about how love should look and now we have unrealistic expectations
  • To name a few.

We can be mean in so many different ways, some subtle, some ugly, but all of them uninspiring, stuck and ugly.

Here are some of the ways;

  • Getting highly emotional and losing our shit (saying nasty things)
  • Holding back love and sex
  • Nagging, sniping and getting cranky over the small stuff
  • Not being honest about what we want, need or feel (yep, it is mean to do this)
  • Being overly sensitive and defensive
  • Being critical and hard to please
  • Blaming them for everything
  • Emotional manipulation
  • Escaping to the bottle of wine, TV, work or kids rather than giving the relationship the time it needs

to name a few.

It’s not all bad.

Believe me, I am not trying to make you feel bad here. Stay with me. It is okay to be mean sometimes. It can clear the vents, create a ripple effect for good and even make you feel empowered. But, if you feel stuck in bitch mode it most likely isn’t working for you and it may be time to find a more aware and conscious approach. It may be time to take some responsibility and start doing what you can do to change things up for a more satisfying love and life. Sound interesting?

Okay, now that you recognise your default pattern/s of meanness, it is time to ask yourself the big WHY.

And the question here is “Why do I behave like this?”

And your EGO may jump on this, giving you the easy road out with the blame game; “he is not doing this, he is so ____, I am not respected etc.”

But before you get lost in your crazy head with this, just pause for a moment, take a deep breath, sink into your heart. Trust me here, blame does not help you grow. It keeps you small and trapped. So let’s get past the blame.

What is the deeper why?

Take 3 deep breaths into your heart. Be present and still.

This is how the answer may start; I am a bitch to my beloved because I am afraid of_______________

Take some time here. Brainstorm it out. Journal, meditate or just take a moment.

We all have a deeper fear at play.

A response might arise such as;

  • He doesn’t respect me
  • I am stuffing this marriage thing up
  • He is bored with me
  • He is not hearing my needs
  • He might leave me

And what is beneath these fears, if we shine a light deep into our soul? It is most likely the age old fear of;

I am not enough.


Now, that you got there, let yourself feel this fear. Don’t rush off now. This is where it starts shifting. Let is wash over you. Feel all your cells welcome your truth and open to the discomfort of it. Let your wisdom in.

If you have been working with me or another coach, you will know what to do with your fear, if not, just acknowledge it and let yourself feel it as much as is comfortable. Breathe and trust. Trust that you can do this, trust that feeling the fear releases you from being stuck in mean girl mode. Trust that your heart is more than capable of feeling this.

So let’s get clear;

You are mean to the one you love and care about because you fear that you are not enough. Intimacy triggers our abandonment wound.


This is your invitation to healing.

Thriving Love
5 steps to
Reviving your relationship from the inside out

-Feel more connected
-Revive your faith in your partnership, and
-Come back to the woman you want to be in life and love
Sign up here

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This old pattern of being mean is not really working as your sub-conscious had planned. In fact, when we see it like this, it is kind of counter intuitive. Being mean is taking you further from the connection and love that you truly desire.

This pattern is (most likely) not about your partner. This is about you trusting that you are worthy to be loved.

Now you know this, you can take it with you the next time you feel yourself wanting to be mean to your partner. When you feel yourself slipping into the chasm of the mean girl, pause and acknowledge your deeper fear.

Instead of jumping in mean, let yourself feel the fear.

Letting the fear in will help you to get unstuck. Instead of getting mean, get soft. You will start to see a way to honour your needs, communicate your deeper fears and be real, open and vulnerable with your partner.

Right here, in the moment of most tension when you open to your fear is where transformation happens. It is these otherwise dark moments, that create the space for our evolution to take place. It will transforms your relationship and allow you to evolve. You are elevating this relationship one conscious moment at a time; which is so attractive and magnetic.

Who doesn’t want to be with someone who can transform their own drama into GRACE?

At the deepest level, know that you are enough. Not as a mother/ hard worker/ sex fiend….(insert role/profession/ stereotype) but as a the beautiful, big heart that you are.

You are ENOUGH right now.

Join me and a vibing facebook group of women as we explore how to thrive in relationships.

If you need someone to guide you through this transformation, book a free 30 minute relationship session with me to see if we vibe.


Take care



Thriving Love
5 steps to
Reviving your relationship from the inside out

-Feel more connected
-Revive your faith in your partnership, and
-Come back to the woman you want to be in life and love
Sign up here

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Nicole Mathieson

Hi, I'm Nicole Mathieson, a relationship and body image coach, couple therapist and author.

My relationships blog helps couples learn practical ways to cultivate a deeper understanding of one another, find safety and connection in relationships, navigate difficult conversations and repair after conflict.